The Anti-Girl Next Door

So apparently everyone’s favorite Bad Girl Miss Robyn Rihanna Fenty, has some beef stew brewing for the past couple of weeks. As people have been calling this girl everything but a child of God because of her partying and perceived Sidewalk Susan ways.  One of the most recent stories (http://rapfix.mtv.com/2012/05/29/meek-mill-chris-brown-beef-over-rihanna/) is that Rihanna’s ex Chris Brown (Ike Turner the 2.0 version) dropped rapper Meek Mill’s versus off a song on Brown’s upcoming album. Why? Well apparently Ike 2.0  Chris Brown got all up in his feelings because Rihanna was seen partying with Meek Mill a couple of weeks ago and making it rain in the strip club. So Chris didn’t like this and dropped Meek Mill off his album….. chile doesn’t Chris Brown have a girlfriend? Karaoke please come get your man? Rumor has it that Rihanna is been linked to/fucked Ashton Kutcher, J.Cole, Drake, J.R. Smith, your high school principle, the mailman, and everyone else in between . So with this latest rumor about her and this Meek Mil/ Ike 2.0 situation…. People have been calling this girl every variation of the word whore.   

So my question is, why? First nobody really even knows if she fucked anyone of the people she’s linked to, except for Chris Brown and Matt Kemp (who were her boyfriends at some point in time) and probably Drake. Now, I’m not trying to count the number of people that’s been to erotic city with Rihanna but since everyone is so gung-ho in doing so let’s break it down.  So we have a 24 year woman that’s had 2 boyfriends and 1 fling (Drake) in the last 3 years….. you can’t count the other alleged folks because there’s no actual confirmation from them or her. So that’s three people folks!! That we the public know to be true…… but apparently she’s a Loose Lucy. Look the same people calling this girl a hoe probably fucked three different people last week. But y’all don’t hear me tho.  

I think people just want to label this girl a hoe or people that behave like her a hoe because  they have nothing better to do with their lives and they do things that people perceive as hoeish.  Rihanna isn’t the “girl next door” and sweet as pie. She’s not out here claiming to be saving herself for marriage or trying to be your daughter’s role model. She’s out here with weave dreadlocks, drinking Jameson, partying in strip clubs, rolling blunts on her security’s head, basically living her mutha fucking life the way she wants to and you people can’t handle it. She’s not trying to be the next Michelle Obama…. And I think that’s what really bothers people about her and people that live their lives this way. She’s not here for your thoughts or your feelings, she’s going to live here life and give you the middle finger if you don’t like it. So therefore since she’s not giving you Jessica Simpson/Britney Spears circa 1999, when they wear claiming to be virgins and trying to be the everything that a model teenage should be. Oh and btw like Justin Timberlake wasn’t smutting Britney ass out before she claimed not to be so innocence. You don’t make songs like Cry me a River (which is so clearly about Britney) because y’all were sitting around making out while watching The Real World.   So Rihanna is a HOE because she doesn’t fit the mold of what a chaste young woman should be, without any real proof of her being a HOE. Well I guess 85% of the people reading this are hooker hoes than.   

This skewed definition of what a HOE is just utterly ridiculous….. look everyone has hoe ass tendencies but that does necessarily makes a person a HOE. So if a person likes to go out party, get coco loso wasted, dance on tables, and wear tight clothes…. They’re a HOE right? Even if they've only been with two people in their whole life. Meanwhile the person standing next to them dresses like Barbara Bush, doesn’t drink or smoke, doesn’t party but has sucked off the whole Offensive line of the Atlanta Falcons and had more trains ran up through her than Union Station, isn’t a HOE  O_o… yeah okay. We all know the saying “If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck. ” Well sometimes damnit it’s  a chicken and not a duck. So stop worrying about what’s going on this girl’s bedroom or in other people’s in general bedroom and worry out you and your own situation. 

Friends With Benefits

Let’s talk about SEX baby….. okay well let’s talk about friends with benefits (FWB). I was actually watching the movie FWB the other day, it’s not a horrible movie but it’s no Dirty Dancing either. I just wish Justin Timberlake would just drop another album and stop making this mediocre romantic comedies, dude you ain’t the second coming of Richard Gere. Just stick with music, tell me FutureSex/LoveSounds doesn’t blow any R&B album that dropped this year out of the water? Anyway if you haven’t seen the movie spoiler alert: Justin Timberlake’s character (Dylan) meets Mila Kunis’s character (Jamie) they become friends, then one night after both being fed up with dating and horny as fuck. They decided to have sex and become FWBs, this goes on for a couple of weeks then Jamie catches feelings. Dylan doesn’t return these feelings in the appropriate manner, they break-up well they stop being friends. Dylan doesn’t understand why Jamie is so mad at him after all they were just FWBs, and then Dylan realizes that he has feelings for Jamie too. He does his version of the boom box in the rain/ grand gesture, they make up and go on a first date and live happily ever, the end.

People don’t try this shit at home because this has a 0.5% chance of it working in real life. I’m not for or against FWBs but I will say if this is the route you decide to go please proceed with caution. Just always keep in mind that it’s a sex thing not a love thing and those are two very different things. You don’t go into a FWB situation looking to get a boyfriend or a girlfriend out of it, or some type of earth-shattering relationship. The only thing you should be looking to get is a damn nut and maybe some good conversation and that’s at folks. You can’t go into FWB thing or just a sex thing, thinking I’m gonna pop this p***y so good for him and give him porn star level head. That he’s gonna be begging me to be his girl. Or I’m long stroke that p***y so  good and make her flood the bed like breached levees in New Orleans, that she’s need me to be her man. This is fool’s logic going on right here and it’s probably gonna give you an extended stay pass at Heart-Break Hotel. You can’t fuck your way into someone’s heart!!!! Mind yeah sure but heart, absolutely not!!  I don’t care if you think you have that Kim K or Amber Rose p***y and it’s made of glitter and gold or you think you have that Lil’Wayne ( he does have like 12 kids and he looks like a Gremlin, it must be something) or Chris Brown dick (You’ve seen the pics, right?) If that person wants to be with you, they’ll be with you point blank period. It doesn’t matter if that p***y is clean or your dick is mean. So if you go into a FWB situation thinking you’re going to come up looking like Kate Middleton and Prince William, you’re living in a fool’s paradise. You better sit back and just enjoy the ride, literally.

Now there are a few cases where the two people in the FWB situation do luck up and end up like the characters in the FWB movie but chances of that happening are minuscule. Like honestly there’s a better chance of Dr. Dre releasing Detox this year before that happens and his ass has been trying to drop Detox since College Dropout came out…. So wait on that if you want to. The chances are very low but hey never say never. So when FWB situations turn into real relationships, I believe they happen organically. One or both parties didn’t go into the situation looking for more than good back blowing sessions but somehow along the way they actually realized they liked one another outside of the bedroom. They didn’t use their bedroom skills to lure the other person into bf/gf status, the shit just happened that way. These cases do happened but are very rare.

To be very frank most of the time the person you’re in sex thing situation doesn’t even think you’re worthy of bf/gf privileges, hence why you aren’t they’re bf/gf. They’re not blind, emotional detached, or so caught up in their own shit that they can’t see a good thing in front of them…..they see what’s in front of them and all they’re there for is your sex. They may very well not like your ass like that. Did you ever think about that possibility, they just like having sex with you. You just maybe a jumpoff to them or just a friend they happen to like having sex with, end of story. You may be a very good friend to them but they just don’t see it for you as a bf/gf. Sometimes sex is just sex nothing more nothing less, so if you’re a person that can’t handle that well your ass isn’t equipped to be in a FWB situation. So you should just keep your Love Jones ass away from all types of FWB possibilities, you’re not built for that type of life and that’s okay. You know what they say everything ain’t for everybody. 

And It's Not Even My Birthday

Well sometime this week my birthday is coming up....... and I just don't know how I feel about it this year.  You know there are Birthday people and they are non-Birthday people, and I'm normally a Birthday person. For like the past 9-10 birthdays I've done something on my birthday. Hell there's been times that I've celebrated my birthday for like four days in a row a couple of times.  Whether it was a dinner party or partying at a club, I've always done something. I take Birthdays very seriously.... Like I don't go to work on my Birthday it's like my own personal holiday. It wasn't just another day like the other 364 days out of the year, it's my mothafucking Birthday!! Shit YOLO (you only live once) right?

But this year idk... I'm kinda cool on my Birthday. I flip flop between actually wanting to do something and doing absolutely nothing. Where did my love for celebrating by Birthday go? Is this what happens when you get older? Do you just start quoting the late and great Notorious B.I.G. or something "Birthdays were the worst days". Although he also said "Now we sip champagne when we thirsty", in the same breathe. So I guess Birthdays are whatever you make them.  I usually take Birthdays very seriously.... Like I don't go to work on my Birthday it's like my own personal holiday. But this year I'm going to work and have no plans what so ever other than  to get drunk.

The thing is I know why not really into my Birthday this year..... Its my friends. What mean is that my friends have all been there to celebrate my Birthday. There have been times when the whole crew wasn't in full effect, due to circumstances and that was cool because other members of the crew were around. This year no parties of the crew will be around...... and I'm 99% sure that's why I'm not too amped about this Birthday. I just don't feel like I can take by Birthday ratchetness to the level 10 that I'm usually on because right about now I'm at a smooth level 2. I'm not in the mood to wear my Birthday crown all day long wherever I go because it's my Birthday. I don't feel like playing 50 Cent's In the club 100 times because it's my mothafucking Birthday. Nope not this year....now that can all change my the time my Birthday gets here, but I kinda don't see that happening. You never know though I may just go ahead and be ratchet and actually do something because YOLO. Birthdays shouldn't be this hard to figure out.  

I Am Not My Hair: Part 4

My hair lawd..... I'm at a crossroads with this hair. I just want it to look like this  

But instead my hair is giving me this........ I know 

It's not going to grow 14 inches over night but 

chile this hair growth struggle is real. I haven 't 

really changed up my hair regimen to much. I 

wash my hair about once a week  with 

Organix sulfate free hydrating Macadamia Oil 

shampoo. I also use Organix's Renewing 

Moroccan Argain oil conditioner for my 

co-washing. I deep condition once a week with 

Pantene Curly Hair Deep Moisturizing Treatment.

I still use my coconut oil, castor oil, tea tree oil, 

and jojoba oil. I believe that all of this is working 

pretty well.... I guess. I know the key to hair 

growth is keeping moisture in your hair so that's 

with I'm trying to do.          

I went to a natural hair expo recently and got some 

Miss Jessie's products, so I'll see how they work 

on hair. I'm still going to get my box braids, I'm 

aiming for the end for the end on the month..... I 

really need to do some research because I'm really 

not trying to look like Patra, I'm just saying that 

look may not be the look for me.  I'm still trying to figure if I can do two-strand twist on my hair. I tried 

it once and that shit was a hot mess. Like it was really bad..... but I'll try it again when my hair gets 

longer. So that's it folks for this months hair update. 

The Comeback Season

Every so often some dude tries to pull a Jill Scott on me, what do I mean by that? Well listen to the first

couple of listen of this song.

“Yo, I'm tripping right,

I heard you got married.

You got married?

No I mean, make any

It don't really make any sense

I mean, it's not like I, I didn't think you were seeing other people or whatever,

I mean I was seeing other people but

You know what this is,

You know what it was,”

So scratch out the married part, this is the song that must pops into some guy’s head that I use to talk to.

They get all into their feelings and go into Marvin’s room and lock the door. Listen…. This shit has got to stop. I know that sometimes people get their Deborah Cox’s on and get sentimental, it’s happened to me a couple of times. You hear a song and it reminds you of that person or you see someone that reminds you of that person, you start feeling nostalgia and shit about that person. Then you get drunk and decide to fuck everything and call that person, this is what I don't do (Well at least not anymore). My friend this is where shit can and usually does go sideways. Drunk dialing or dialing under the influence is a dangerous thing people and has to stop or at least be tamed down to a bearable amount.

What makes you think that person you’re calling wants to hear from your ass? Especially if you’re calling them with this “I’m just saying you can do better” bullshit, what makes you think they’re aren’t doing better? Is it because they ain’t with you? Newsflash dude you’re not Idris Elba (insert whoever is that guy to you her) nor are you the beginning and end of all things. Maybe that person isn’t updating their Facebook status every five minutes talking about how much they love their new boo? Or they aren’t instagraming pics of them eating ribs together at JJ’s Rib Shack? Just because the new person isn’t you and they’re not doing the shit y’all use to do together doesn’t make y’all situation better than the current one. Hell a new person doesn’t even have to be in the picture, just because you’re not in their life anymore doesn’t mean their life is Rolling in the Deep or something. Ain’t nobody going around singing Adele’s Someone like you because the relationship is over, for all you know O Happy Day is on repeat status since the demise of the relationship

Don’t come over here trying wreck shit because your situation is fuck up. All this I’m saying you can

do better must cease and desist. What makes you the authority on passing bogus ass judgment on what

I’m doing with my life, since the sun has been set on our time together? I could be smoking meth with

this new dude outside of Walgreens….. but that doesn’t mean I’m having a shitty ass time with him or that my life would be so much grander with you doing the same bullshit we once did. Did you ever stop to think that maybe I like smoking meth?? Disclaimer: I don’t smoke meth, okay people. The point is sir don’t come around out of the blue judging my life and who’s in it, since me and you aren’t an item anymore. You have been relieved of your duties and your service is no longer needed….. kinda like Marques Houstonand his contributions to the world of R&B. Your time here is done good sir. Therefore the next time you feel the need to get your Drunk Drake Dialing on please stop and think about it because I’m not here for it and I will read your ass like an Ikea instruction manual, carefully and precisely. If you have to drunk dial someone, call your mama. Hell that’s what I do.

Liar Liar

“So I just wanted you to know that I do have a girlfriend, I wanted to be upfront about and not lie about having one”.

This line is one I heard fairly recently by a guy I met about a month ago (I Beez In The Trap), now mind you me and this guy have already been out on a date (hell if you can even call it that). I let the words he said soak into my brain and really paid attention to what he was saying. All I could say after that was, “interesting” That’s exactly what it was damn interesting. See the girlfriend part of his statement didn’t and doesn’t bother me; it’s the part talking about how he wanted to be upfront that makes me want to slap him upside his head. Chile if you wanted to me upfront you would’ve told me that shit the night we met and you most definitely would’ve told me that shit before we ever went out. So this fool is a damn lie… there’s nothing upfront about telling me you have a girlfriend a month after knowing you. You don’t get a damn cookie because you told me you had a girlfriend and you don’t get to clear your conscience either if that’s was your purpose of telling me. You’re a liar because if you’re lying to me I’m pretty sure you’re lying to her too.

After he told me he had a girlfriend, he went on to say “If you have any questions or want to talk about this I’m open to that because I really like you.” *Blankstare*, dude this ain’t The damn View. We’re not about to do a Q&A about the fact that you have a girlfriend. It’s a pretty open and shut case there buddy. You have a girlfriend and you lied or omitted telling me about her for 3-4 weeks… yeah did I miss anything? Nope, okay… so we don’t need to talk about it. Why? Because I never even like him enough to care that he has a girlfriend. That damn Dope Boyz in The Trap date was enough for me to put his ass in a trickbag. Oh yeah what’s a trickbag, to some that may not know what a trickbag is. It’s a situation that is bound to have disastrous outcome or when someone tries to setup your ass up for the fall. That’s probably would have happened if I would have ever dated this guy seriously.  I never would have let us get too serious anyway because he had too many strikes and red-flags against him. Like we could’ve kicked it a few more times but wherever we were kicking it to would most definitely had an endpoint. There would have been no meeting of parents,  no going on vacation, or no spending holidays together, it was never going to go down like . Now on top of all the other bullshit this guy has going on with him, he has a girlfriend and he seems to be a liar. I’m going to have to bid this one a good night.  The crazy part is this fool really thinks he did me a favor my telling me he has a girlfriend…. Like he should get cool points for telling me the truth. Okay thanks for telling me (I really do appreciate that because it makes it so much easier for me to do my fade to black sequence) but you get no cool point brotha. In fact you get -30 points taken off your already D-score because you told me after the fact. Look I’m not here for talking to dudes in relationships because there are just too many single men to be dealing with all that foolishness. Me and men in relationships don’t mix at all, because that’s how you ass ends up on an episode of Snapped No mas.

You Can Blame It On Me

I wasn’t expecting him to get down on bended knee a la Boyz II Men or anything but I was expecting him to acknowledge he was being a totally asshole. Just saying something like “my bad” would’ve been enough but no even that was too much for him. Instead of he tried to sweep it under the rug by saying giving me some flimsy excuse and I’m quoting “ I don't like that whole acting like someone you’re not, people should just be easy.” WHAT THE FUCK?? First let’s address the be easy aspect of this statement. What does that even mean? When T.I. said Be Easy off his classic Trap Muzik album, I took Be Easy to mean you better chill the fuck out before someone tries to knock your head off. So what is this dude talking about people should be easy?? I’m confused….. what people should Be Easy? Me? I was being easy because I seriously could have pulled a Beyonce and ringed the alarm or gone terror threat level red on his ass. Instead I was easy like a Sunday morning. The only person that should have been easy that night was his ass.

The part of the above statement that really took me for a loop was the acting like someone you’re not apart. So, by him being a totally dick and a sloppy ass drunk that was the real him, right? If that’s the case honyechile he can keep the real him to his damn self. There’s no way you can take last Friday’s night’s events and he doesn’t come off as being a totally ass. So by him saying people shouldn’t act like something they aren’t, he’s saying his behavior wasn’t a one time thing or totally out of character for him. He’s a jackass and he makes no apologies for it.  Which is fine for him I guess but on that particular night I didn’t go to that bar for all that. I wasn’t expecting him to have the manners of Prince William but I didn’t think untrained dogs would be better behaved than him. For this grown ass man to sit up there and act like a buffoon and then turn around and say “hey, I was just being the real me”. Well, sir I see no problem with me tossing your ass like a banana peel into the trash because honestly at this point that’s how I view him like trash, the day after Christmas trash at that.

So what happens to trash? Well shit it gets trashed and thrown away to a place far away. That’s exactly where I have banished him to a place far away. This guy thinks because he brought me a drink and told me he likes me he gets a steady place on my roaster of men. Well, sir I’m here to tell you that is absolutely not the case. Please get the fuck out of here with that. Especially since you showed your ass first and now that I’m not returning calls and text messages, I’m the asshole. To that I say GOOD DAY and GOOD NIGHT. In my *Cher from Clueless voice* AS IF, I just want him to snatch his life back from wherever the fuck he left it. The dude told me, people should be who they really are from the beginning right? Well damnit I didn’t like that person so decided to abort mission but I’m the asshole. Okay well you can blame it on me if that makes you feel better. At the end of the day he’s still an asshole and I’m over dating assholes. So I guess that’s that folks.