Roll Bounce

I’m pretty sure we’ve all had this happen to us. You’re out with your friends having a good time or hell maybe you’re not having a good time, but the point is that y’all are out there in dem streets. All of a sudden one person in the group and decides to break away from the sisterhood of the travelling pants goes to see about a boy.  Yup she ditched the group. This happened pretty recently to me and I’ve done it a couple of times myself . While I gave 0.09 fucks about my friend ditching the group to go be about a dick. The other parties involved were hotter than fish grease. I mean they were pissed and they couldn’t understand why I wasn’t mad too.   Well back in the day when I was younger (let me stop quoting Toni Braxton songs, Secrets album track#9) I might have felt some type of way. I was taught to be on that that “we come together, we leave together” policy. These days tho you can go home with or go home to the Candyman for all I care if that’s what you wanna do. Why? Because you’re grown and so am I. How do I look life telling my 28 year old friend… “Girl I don’t think should be going home with him just because he brought you two Cosmos” or “Girl why are you leaving? We are all suppose to be hanging out together and now you’re going him to Brad, that’s wack?” How crazy would I sound?? This ain't the Babysitter Club; we aren’t waiting for Dawn’s mama to pick all of us up after the movies. This isn’t 7th grade anymore ladies and gentlemen, so stop acting like it. I probably wouldn’t have even been that mad back in the day, I would have been more like concerned about her safety. I mean if she just meet old boy and has been twerking it to Bands a Make Her dance all night with him. I would’ve asked her are you sure about this? Just to make sure she was good money. Just because I wouldn’t want her life to turn into an episode of Law and Order: SVU….. Shit that goes for any of my friends present day as well.

But I’m not going to be salty because you decide to leave the festivities and do the do with some guy. Be it a guy you just met, boyfriend, homeboy, or husband. But what I witness a few weeks ago was ridiculous, I mean folks were livid and I just didn't understand why. Listen the only reasons I think a person should be mad if their friend ditches them is 1) that friend is your ride and has left you without informing you or giving you no other option of transportation to leave that place. 2) They just fucking disappear and doesn’t inform anyone in the group and y’all spend ½ of the night looking for them 3) they are too drunk to be going home with random dudes and refuse to let you not allow them to possibly become a real life SVU victim. Now notice  that in number three I said random dude not boyfriend/husband or dude she’s on and off again with.  I get it some nights you just want do hoodrat shit with your hoodrat friends, so when one of them disrupts the plan.. It’s a little annoying.  But is it really worth ruining your night? If this doesn’t happen every time y’all go out, then there’s no need to remove her/him from your gchat list or ask for your friendship bracelet back.  So what your friend decides to call it a night at 12:45 because Tony called wants to come by for some adult twister action?? Does that mean you get mad and stay mad for the rest of the night?? Chile if it bothers you that much, go call or find your own Tony. I bet you won’t be so steamed pressed about what your friend is doing anymore. There’s just no need to get all bent out of shape about it but friends that are doing the ditching please take into consideration of the people you’re with. I know sometimes there’s a dick emergency that’s way more important drinking watered down Jack and cokes and having to dealing with musty ass men in the club with your friends (we’ve all been there). But just know that these people are your friends and be mindful of their feelings as well, so that your chicks and dicks can coexist.

Things That Make You Go Hmmmm.....

You know when I go out; I see some egregious things that bother me to my core. Things that make me think what is this person’s life about??? The answer I usually come up with is nonsense, rubbish, and absolute trash. Today I would like to share a few of those things

1) Bed attire in public- Have you ever been out at the grocery, on the train or just in public in general and have seen a woman with her Sponge Bob Square Pants pajama bottoms on, her hair is wrapped in a scarf or hair bonnet??? Even worst her hair is in rollers, she has on Chinese slippers, and Freaknik 1995 t-shirt (or what type of shirt). Like WTF!!!! What is your life about that you are going around looking like dreams deferred and wasted accomplishments? Listen this shit has got to stop. I have seen people like this at bus stops, in libraries, the DMV, etc…. I’m going to need these people to realize that this is real life and not a college campus. 

2) Dirty hair- Whether it’s the hair growing from your scalp or the hair you brought that has tracks attached, dirty hair is dirty ass hair!! There’s no excuse for either. I’m not talking about that I’ve gone a couple of days passed when I should've initially washed my hair. I’m talking about weeks and months people. For those without weaves, braids, clip-ins, or whatever extra type of hair you may have please just exit stage left and leave the building because there is no excuse for your hair to have bathroom grime in it. For the girls with the extra hair attached to their head, y’all ain’t off the hook. I’m like Sunshine Anderson…. I heard it all before as to why some girls don’t wash their weaves. I don’t want to loosen the tracks/braids; it’s too heavy when it’s wet, blah blah. Listen girls that shit isn’t going to fly anymore. I’ve had weaves and braids before and I washed my hair; I wasn’t going to go around with my hair smelling like dirt and King Tut's tomb. If you are afraid of loosening the extension don’t pull at it so hard, be gentle. Then make sure you dry your hair… because especially if you have a sew-in the tracks will be wet and start smelling like mildew. Also if you just don’t want to put water on your hair (idk why???) use dry shampoo!! Boom it will at else get the dirt and oil off your scalp…. No more excuses.   

3) Leggings-  Do I despise leggings? No, do I own and wear leggings? Hell yes but what I don’t do is wear leggings as pants. They are leggings not pants!!! So if you’re wearing leggings and your shirt, sweater or dress/shirt (sometimes people wear shirts and call them dresses but they're really suppose to be shirts but we don’t judge them tho) doesn’t over your ass….. stop right there re-think your whole situation. If your shirt is at your waist and your ass is all the way out in your leggings, you do know people can see your panties? Like I’m sorry I don’t need to know you’re wearing one of your $ 5 for $25 Pink by Victoria Secret panties today.  Get out of here with that shit. I believe people who this kind of stuff are lowkey attention whores and just want folks to look at their asses. If that’s the case more power to you but could you please to the public a favor. Save that shit for the house when you’re at home making Jodie or whom ever tacos. 

4) Makeup- I talked about hair now its time to talk about makeup. I’m going to make this as general as possible because I could write a whole blog about this, I really should tho because this shit is getting ridiculous. Ladies blending is the word of the day, month, and year. Blend your shit… foundation, concealer, bronzer, eye shadow. Blend it there’s no need for harsh lines on your face, blend it and make everything cohesive. Please buy the foundation for your skin tone… don’t go around looking like Mitt Romney when he was speaking at that interview for Univision (a Spanish speaking TV network) damn near looking like a orange traffic cone. On the flipside you don’t want your makeup to be too light either and go around looking like a corpse….. that casket sharp look ain’t the move either. Look at Tempestt Bledsoe out here destroying Vanessa Huxtable's legacy... smh. Now speaking of eye shadow please learn the proper way to attempt the smokey eye, and raccoon eyes ain’t what’s hot in these streets. Now this is a public service announcement for real. Please don’t shave your eyebrows off like Whoopi Goldberg and draw them shits back on!!!!! What in the hell is wrong with people??? Do you know how crazy you look?? Why not get them arched, waxed, or threaded. There’s no need to fucking shave off your eyebrows, just to draw them back on…. I don’t get it. The moral of the story is that stop going around looking like your five year niece did your makeup. There are too many books, magazines, and youtube tutorials for you to be out here looking like a drag queen on crystal meth. 

5) Underwear- Undergarments are exactly what the name says…. They are meant to be worn under your clothes. Camisoles are not tank tops, bras aren’t crop tops, and spanxx aren’t dresses. Yes I’ve seen women wearing these things as if they were meant to be worn that way. Guess what girl?? They aren’t!!! Now the real kicker is when I see these tricks wearing bras and panties, like a damn bikini. It’s just the ultimate most ratchet ass shit ever. How are you at the pool/beach swimming in your drawers????  That’s some real Honey Boo Boo, ratchet, hillbilly shit!!! But it never fails someone is at the pool in the water in their Victoria Secret best….. smh. On top is it being ratchet, it’s pretty fucking unsanitary. Go to Target and get a real swimming suit and stop wearing teddy’s and shit to the club.   

500 Hundred Days Of Summer

This is one of my favorite romantic comedies….. if you haven’t seen this movie oh well this is a spoiler alert. Long story short the movie is about a boy (Tom) that falls head over heels in love with a girl  (Summer) that doesn’t really believe in love, well at least not true love and soul mates. So as you can imagine the boy’s heart gets A-Town stomped by said girl and he goes around looking like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh for a little bit and then he gets mad and tries to rage against the machine because the woman he believes is his soul-mate doesn’t exactly feel the same way about him. There’s this one line in the movie that when I first heard it I swear it was like a lighting bulb went off in my head. 

“Just because she likes the same bizzaro crap as you do doesn’t mean she’s your soul mate.”   

Let’s forget about the fact that is line was said by the Tom’s sister who was probably in the 5^th grade or something. Sometimes kids tell nothing but the truth and damnit, that’s exactly what she did. That was nothing short of the gospel here. Sometimes when we meet a person that clicks with us on so many levels, we believe its fate, divine intervention, destiny or whatever else. That person must be your one and only. I mean how many people own every season of every show that was on ABC’s TGIF? Who else subscribes to the tumblr page sweet desserts, thinks Jodeci was the best male r&b group of all time, cuts out clips from magazines on home décor, or whatever weird thing you do/think that no else gets. Guess what a lot more people than you think, you're not that different or unique from most people. So if somebody is into all the same extreme shit you’re into….. doesn’t exactly make them your soul mate or you guys are meant to be together. It could just mean that y'all are very much alike and should probably start a club or meetup group to do the strange hobbies y'all enjoy together. 

Same taste in things doesn’t equal soul mate, and that’s not to say I don’t believe in soul mates or anything. I’m actually undecided about that at the moment.  All I’m saying is that just because a person likes the Winter’s Night wallflowers from Bath & Body Works just like you doesn’t mean that they should be your partner for life. It just means y’all like the same shit. There’s no need to go building this relationship into something grander than what it is, and maybe y’all are really meant to be together but let that develop naturally. Don’t go building this molehill of a relationship into a mountain. All I’m saying is that relationships aren’t like tights from Forever 21 one size doesn’t fit for all. Just because your friend and her boyfriend have so much in common doesn't mean you and your next bf should be just like them. Don’t go start singing Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown duets, talking about y’all have something in common, just because y’all both like French foreign films. You could just be passing your real soul mate up all because they’re not into Game of Thrones like that other person you like. 

No Ordinary Love

So one of the news stories of last week was that Chris Brown and Kaleidoscopenighmare (whatever that girl name is) broke up. Wow well who didn’t see this coming? Well apparently she didn’t. For those that are wondering what happened…. Well long story short that Rihanna reign just won’t let up.  Chris brown released this following statement about the breakup.

"I have decided to be single to focus on my career.  I love Karrueche very much, but I don't want to see her hurt over my friendship with Rihanna. I'd rather be single, allowing us to both be happy in our lives." 

I mean she/ Kreampuff should’ve seen the writings on the wall when Birthday Cake the remix was released that should have been clue number one and if that wasn’t enough proof in the pudding. That interview Rihanna did with Oprah should’ve done it. I know right then and there that she and Chris would be back together before the end of the year. Low and behold it’s October and their asses were going around NYC cuddled up like everything after February 9^th 2009 (the incident) never happened. I mean giving zero fucks about thoughts or feels of anyone but themselves.  This post isn’t about whether or not them should or shouldn’t be together because I mean it’s their lives. What I took away from that interview with Oprah was that the two of them are always going to have some type of dealing with one another and that whatever happened in the that car in February of 2009 isn’t going to change that these two people have a love/connection to one other that many people are never going to understand but it’s really only for them to get. They’re like new slightly ratchet version of Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. They have what Prince and Shelia E. would say is a Love Bizarre. I’m not here to judge them like so many other will….. as much as I hate this expression they’re really about that YOLO life.

As that was clearly indicated my Chris Brown who pulled the stunt of the year by making this HBO Taxi-Cab confessional video, of him tipsy as hell and drunk on love. Talking about the situation he’s in. I saw this video and thought this nigga was sitting around drinking Hennessy and listening to Usher’s confessions and thought… he was Big Meech, Larry Hoover. This fool said fuck put this in a love song bs.  I’m gonna get my Michael Bay on and turn my 808’s and Heartbreaks into a movie.  All I could think about was, why he felt like this bogus ass trailer for what look like The Notebook: The Real and Ratchet Story was necessary? ???  If he thought it was needed well he’s clearly mistaken. Between him and Rihanna’s Bonnie and Clyde tweets, and Kalifornia Love’s best Mary J. Blige My Life tweets….. I here to say the people just want all of y’all to stop it and keep it cute. Brad Pitt wasn’t going around making crazy ass youtube videos of his thought process when he left Jen for Angie, so neither should you. If Chris and Rihanna want to want to recreate their own version The Wood meets Shakespeare In Love…. Well cute for them. But getting on twitter and Instagram throwing shade to the haters is so over the damn top.  By doing all that they’re just turning this love triangle into a square.

For all those feeling sorry for Kalamari…. Stop that girl will be fine. I mean she maybe having the worst week ever right now but that girl should’ve seen this coming months ago. Everyone else did. Sure nobody wants to be dumped and especially for the other girl and in public, but this is just my opinion but there was always three people in that relationship from Jump Street. Her, Chris, and Rihanna’s ghost, it’s now the ghost has risen from the dead and is taking no prisoners. If I was her the breakup isn’t what would piss me off, it would be that damn shady ass video. That video was all kinds of disrespectful to her…. That’s the kind of shit that gets people slapped. Anyway Karacpie my advice would be take a minute, figure out what the hell you’re going to cover up that matching tattoo you and Chris have, and be easy. If you really want to come back like Revenge of the Nerds….. date Drake. Now that would be the ultimate stunt show move of the year. Take care.  

I'm Bossy

"Sometimes you have to talk bossy to them". This quote was said to me by my best friend at the time in 3rd grade and it still rings true to this day. What she was referring to was this boy in our class, his name I forget and it's really not that important now. All I remember was that we wanted this boy to sharpen our pencils for us while in Art class because well we were lazy and didn't want to walk to the front of the class and do it ourselves. I initially asked him all politely and shit. Guess what he was like yeah no do it yourself. My friend demands he sharpens the pencils, she says something  like " Oh you're going to sharpens these pencils if it's the last thing you do boy". Well we got our pencils sharpen and that's when she turned to me and said the above statement. At the time I thought she was crazy as hell, you can't go around talking to boys all kinds of crazy, they'll be mean to you and steal your fruit roll ups from you. She proceeded to tell me to keep that Pollyanna shit in check and talk to these boys all kinds of reckless because they don't response to nice. That there was a fine line between the two and that you had to know which one to use when the time was right. Yes..... I swear on my dearly departed dog Smokey. That this was the conversation I was having with my friend in our 3rd 4th period art class.

I honestly wish I would've thought about this particular convo a lot more often than have and currently do because my natural Pollyanna approach to certain things hasn't been the most effective approach. Sometimes you actually have to go ham or talk bossy to people for them to actually pay attention and take heed to what your trying to say. Honestly the only person I talk "bossy" to on a regular basis is my brother. Why?? Maybe because I'm older I feel like I have some superiority over him but he's use to my bossy talk now, so its like whatever the fuck to him. However over all that easy breeze cover girl shit only gets you so far. I have definitely noticed that when I straight up cuss someone the fuck out whether its a friend, foe or boyfriend this gets there attention. Its not like I'm sitting around taking people's shit like toilets put I'm generally a non-confrontational person. Like I'll just stop talking to you but I tell what my problem with you and why I'm not talking to you anymore. That's just too much damn energy and I rather pay you dust, than deal with you anymore.

Well this method is ideal for me, there are some people you just gonna have to confront no matter how much you try to.  I just like things to be cool and clam, I don't want any problems. So I'll make excuses, overlook, brush shit off, swallow pride, and bite my tongue a lot of the time to keep the peace. I guess that's why at times I come off as a Pollyanna and like a true southern belle. Just a nice and peachy girl but if ask my brother or folks that really know me they'll tell you I'm not that innocence and sweet. I just don't want leave my little world of Care-A-Lot (to you youngins that's the place the Carebears lived), I just don't no problems. So when someone makes me put dem paws on em... shit it's not pretty. I do have a smart ass mouth but I just don't cuss people out like for real, for real. So when it happens its effective.

I remember one college when I moved off campus me and my roommates/friends became friends with  the guys that lived next to us. They came over to our place like everyday, we never went to there house well.. because it was disgusting. Like I went over there like once and I swear I thought I caught SARS or something. Why do boys live like that?? Okay back to the story... it was the end of the year and my other friend was subletting my room because I was going back to Atlanta for the summer. So I asked your neighbors if they would help us move her in, they were like yeah. Okay cool. Long story short me and her (just me and her) move all her shit into the apartment in my jeep. I mean were riding down the street with her mattress on the roof of my car, with no damn rope securing it to my car. All we had was Ethernet cords, so we're riding down the street with her mattress and box spring loosely attached to my car with Ethernet cords, going like 20 mph, and both of us holding on to this shit with our bare hands. We get to my apartment and these fools are sitting on their and some of them were on my porch drinking steel reserves and smoking. I lost it!!! I mean I went the fuck off... saw red!! I have no idea what I said but all I know is that stuff in my jeep got moved into the house without me touching it and they were scared to talk to me for like a week. To this day one of them still says he's never been cussed out like that before nor since that night. Sometimes you have to talk bossy to them.

Sweet Talk

I've never been good at schmoozing or kissing people's ass .... It's just not in me. I finding it exhausting and quite frankly annoying. I have always been the type to tell people, well let me rephrase that not people in general. It's more like the people I know... how I really feel about things. Back home it's called real talk no flex. I'm not that great at sugar coating things to people over the age of 12. I realized that the same loose lip way I talk with my friends is the same way I talk with people that aren't my friends... well at least to a certain degree. At work I'm definitely not in my real talk no flex mode... I am professional. What I'm trying to get at is I can't talk to certain people in the same manner I talk to my friends. What certain people am I talking about? Well boys, dudes I'm dating. This fact became very apparent over this past weekend.

See the way me and my friends talk amongst ourselves is like the uncut version of Sex & the City or something. It's very raw, real and unfiltered (real talk no flex). Actually I don't talk like this with all my friends, just a certain number of them. Because the other ones... well they just ain't about that life and that's cool.  Everything ain't for everybody. Anyway back to the ones that we talk to each other like we don't like each other... it's just the nature of our relationship. We curse like sailors and drink like fish. We objectify men, it's wild and reckless talk. That's cute for us but I have learnt its not so cute for others especially some the men in our my life. Let me be clear that I'm not going around talking crazy to the guys I'm dating.... I'm not going around telling them they ain't shit but a piece of dick or anything like that. No absolutely not. None of that is  going on. What I'm talking about is not exactly giving them that sweet talk... not putting a filter on my thoughts. Saying things I probably shouldn't be saying to them or I should say but in a nicer way. 

This occurred to me when the guy I'm somewhat dating said I was mean. After I gave him this face 😱 he cleaned up what he said by saying I just say things at times with no thought on how the other person may feel. I just talk with zero fucks given. I never thought about it that way... I'm not saying he was exactly right but he had a point. I can't talk to certain people the same way I talk to my friends... some people can't handle that type of shit. After talking to one of my friends she pointed out with people/men you have stroke their ego and give them that sweet talk. There has to be a balance, you can't always be all brass and sassy. That when I say certain things they (my friends) know I mean no harm and I'm talking shit but others don't always see it that way. Well I certainly see that now after a comment I made got blown way out of proportion by the guy I'm kinda dating. I meant no harm but boy did he take it as a fowl. So know I'm trying to embrace some of that sweet talk and leaving the real talk no flex for my friends.