Homecoming

So this past weekend I went back to my alma mater for homecoming and had one of the best weekend of the year. It was full of randomness, foolishness, ratchetness, and drunkenness, all the things that make weekends like this eventful and one that won’t be forgotten.  I hung out with people I had seen in years and did things I haven’t done in years either. Well while this fun was being had, something occurred to me. Some people are just plain delusional like Jackie Christie delusional.  Maybe delusional isn’t the right word, they have an inflated sense of self.

I think that in any type of reunion situation, you’re going to always come across that person that thinks that they’re the shit no matter what and maybe they were 5-10 years ago but in present day they’re more like shit on a stick. Most of the time they are quite opposite of the person they use to be, as 50 cent once said “Damn homie, in high school, you was the man homie, what the fuck happened to you?” They’re the ones kinda acting stuck up, they’re sociable but not too sociable, and they’re an ass but not a complete asshole.  They are the ones walking around the party like its 2002 and they’re still captain of the football team and people need to recognize that, and speak to them first. Oh no honey its 2012 and you haven’t thrown a football since 2002 and by the looks of it you haven’t done a sit-up since then either. Despite what Mitt Romey wants you to think gas ain’t $1.86/gal and will never be that again, meaning times have clearly change but your ass is stuck in past. Trying to get into the DeLorean to go Back to the Future, sir/madame it was a movie and there’s no such thing. It’s like these fools live in a world where Nelly songs are on the top 100 Billboard charts, Girlfriends is still on the air, and Girbaud jeans reign supreme.  

Well this is most definitely not the case, so please stop acting like it is. Just because you were hot shit back in the day, that may not be the fact of the matter today.  Even if you’re the shit now….. Guess what?  Most people aren’t going to be impressed. Unless you’re doing real pimp shit, like hosting fundraisers at your house for President Barack Obama; other than that people don’t give a damn. Why??? Because this ain’t Bayside High or the college years, this is real life and nobody has time for those types of shenanigans. People give zero fucks about you poppin bottles in vip…. You do know that same bottle of Grey Goose that you paid $300+ for cost $40 and the liquor store, right? Nobody cares that you’re driving a Range Rover…. Is that shit paid for?? Then maybe you can impress somebody. People aren’t concerned about you rocking the latest shit and bangin top notch bitches/dudes. People are concern about 401Ks, mortgage interest rates, day care, going to the gym, and getting to Trader Joe’s before the lines get too long. Because that’s real shit and not that Mariah Carey Fantasy bullshit you’re worried about.  So if you’re going come to these class reunions, homecomings, or whatever else acting like you’re Zack Morris and you run Bayside High, please have an everlasting seat. Don’t come to these functions acting like you’re Grace Kelly sequel, because you’re probably going to get read from the table of contents to the index, I saw it happen this past weekend and it wasn’t pretty. It was however hilarious though. Don’t have people looking at you and thinking this…… 

Roll Bounce

I’m pretty sure we’ve all had this happen to us. You’re out with your friends having a good time or hell maybe you’re not having a good time, but the point is that y’all are out there in dem streets. All of a sudden one person in the group and decides to break away from the sisterhood of the travelling pants goes to see about a boy.  Yup she ditched the group. This happened pretty recently to me and I’ve done it a couple of times myself . While I gave 0.09 fucks about my friend ditching the group to go be about a dick. The other parties involved were hotter than fish grease. I mean they were pissed and they couldn’t understand why I wasn’t mad too.   Well back in the day when I was younger (let me stop quoting Toni Braxton songs, Secrets album track#9) I might have felt some type of way. I was taught to be on that that “we come together, we leave together” policy. These days tho you can go home with or go home to the Candyman for all I care if that’s what you wanna do. Why? Because you’re grown and so am I. How do I look life telling my 28 year old friend… “Girl I don’t think should be going home with him just because he brought you two Cosmos” or “Girl why are you leaving? We are all suppose to be hanging out together and now you’re going him to Brad, that’s wack?” How crazy would I sound?? This ain't the Babysitter Club; we aren’t waiting for Dawn’s mama to pick all of us up after the movies. This isn’t 7th grade anymore ladies and gentlemen, so stop acting like it. I probably wouldn’t have even been that mad back in the day, I would have been more like concerned about her safety. I mean if she just meet old boy and has been twerking it to Bands a Make Her dance all night with him. I would’ve asked her are you sure about this? Just to make sure she was good money. Just because I wouldn’t want her life to turn into an episode of Law and Order: SVU….. Shit that goes for any of my friends present day as well.

But I’m not going to be salty because you decide to leave the festivities and do the do with some guy. Be it a guy you just met, boyfriend, homeboy, or husband. But what I witness a few weeks ago was ridiculous, I mean folks were livid and I just didn't understand why. Listen the only reasons I think a person should be mad if their friend ditches them is 1) that friend is your ride and has left you without informing you or giving you no other option of transportation to leave that place. 2) They just fucking disappear and doesn’t inform anyone in the group and y’all spend ½ of the night looking for them 3) they are too drunk to be going home with random dudes and refuse to let you not allow them to possibly become a real life SVU victim. Now notice  that in number three I said random dude not boyfriend/husband or dude she’s on and off again with.  I get it some nights you just want do hoodrat shit with your hoodrat friends, so when one of them disrupts the plan.. It’s a little annoying.  But is it really worth ruining your night? If this doesn’t happen every time y’all go out, then there’s no need to remove her/him from your gchat list or ask for your friendship bracelet back.  So what your friend decides to call it a night at 12:45 because Tony called wants to come by for some adult twister action?? Does that mean you get mad and stay mad for the rest of the night?? Chile if it bothers you that much, go call or find your own Tony. I bet you won’t be so steamed pressed about what your friend is doing anymore. There’s just no need to get all bent out of shape about it but friends that are doing the ditching please take into consideration of the people you’re with. I know sometimes there’s a dick emergency that’s way more important drinking watered down Jack and cokes and having to dealing with musty ass men in the club with your friends (we’ve all been there). But just know that these people are your friends and be mindful of their feelings as well, so that your chicks and dicks can coexist.

Liar Liar

“So I just wanted you to know that I do have a girlfriend, I wanted to be upfront about and not lie about having one”.

This line is one I heard fairly recently by a guy I met about a month ago (I Beez In The Trap), now mind you me and this guy have already been out on a date (hell if you can even call it that). I let the words he said soak into my brain and really paid attention to what he was saying. All I could say after that was, “interesting” That’s exactly what it was damn interesting. See the girlfriend part of his statement didn’t and doesn’t bother me; it’s the part talking about how he wanted to be upfront that makes me want to slap him upside his head. Chile if you wanted to me upfront you would’ve told me that shit the night we met and you most definitely would’ve told me that shit before we ever went out. So this fool is a damn lie… there’s nothing upfront about telling me you have a girlfriend a month after knowing you. You don’t get a damn cookie because you told me you had a girlfriend and you don’t get to clear your conscience either if that’s was your purpose of telling me. You’re a liar because if you’re lying to me I’m pretty sure you’re lying to her too.

After he told me he had a girlfriend, he went on to say “If you have any questions or want to talk about this I’m open to that because I really like you.” *Blankstare*, dude this ain’t The damn View. We’re not about to do a Q&A about the fact that you have a girlfriend. It’s a pretty open and shut case there buddy. You have a girlfriend and you lied or omitted telling me about her for 3-4 weeks… yeah did I miss anything? Nope, okay… so we don’t need to talk about it. Why? Because I never even like him enough to care that he has a girlfriend. That damn Dope Boyz in The Trap date was enough for me to put his ass in a trickbag. Oh yeah what’s a trickbag, to some that may not know what a trickbag is. It’s a situation that is bound to have disastrous outcome or when someone tries to setup your ass up for the fall. That’s probably would have happened if I would have ever dated this guy seriously.  I never would have let us get too serious anyway because he had too many strikes and red-flags against him. Like we could’ve kicked it a few more times but wherever we were kicking it to would most definitely had an endpoint. There would have been no meeting of parents,  no going on vacation, or no spending holidays together, it was never going to go down like . Now on top of all the other bullshit this guy has going on with him, he has a girlfriend and he seems to be a liar. I’m going to have to bid this one a good night.  The crazy part is this fool really thinks he did me a favor my telling me he has a girlfriend…. Like he should get cool points for telling me the truth. Okay thanks for telling me (I really do appreciate that because it makes it so much easier for me to do my fade to black sequence) but you get no cool point brotha. In fact you get -30 points taken off your already D-score because you told me after the fact. Look I’m not here for talking to dudes in relationships because there are just too many single men to be dealing with all that foolishness. Me and men in relationships don’t mix at all, because that’s how you ass ends up on an episode of Snapped No mas.