The Break-Up

As you can tell from the title of this post, it's about a break-up.... its about my break-up. This is probably going to be one of the most personal post I have ever written. While not actually going into the details of the demise of this relationship, pointing fingers and trying to figure out what went wrong along the way. Who was wrong or who was right or whom broke up with whom. Just know there was miscommunication, hurt feelings, and misplaced anger. What I want to touch on is actually how I've be dealing with this break-up. Long story short..... not well. I've been so emotional I'm giving Whitney Houston and Carl Thomas a run for their money. There's been sleepless nights, which is how I know this shit is bad because nothing effects my damn sleep pattern. I go to bed around 11 or 12  and wake up at 6am, I never have a problem going to sleep or staying asleep. But here I am like Corrine Bailey Rae and I'm having trouble sleeping. I actually up writing this a 3:35 am..... this isn't me.

I haven't been me in like a week, I feel like I have taken on the life of someone else. Someone who has been listen to Mary J Blige's My Life CD on repeat for days on end. This past weekend I barely left my house. I spent hours laying on my bedroom floor listening to Sade, Carole King, and Melanie Fiona just looking at the ceiling and crying at times. Btw there's a lot of depressing ass music out there. Especially Solange's True EP, I think I have been come a fan of hers because track Somethings seem to never fucking work stayed on repeat..... who knew. I somehow seemed to find everyone of these songs. Especially Solange's True EP and add them to a playlist on Spotify  and titled it another sad love song. My diet consisted of potato chips, cake, and several bottles of red wine. Yes, I decided to become the definition of 808's and Heartbreaks and become a part-time resident of Heartbreak hotel. I do believe that this past weekend was one of the most depressing ones of my life. On Sunday night I tried my best to get my Brain McKnight on and give this thing One Last Cry. That was a fail because on Monday morning I still felt the same way. Did I have this or am I still having this mental collapse on purpose? I really have know fucking clue. 

What I do know is that, part of the reason I'm on Adele/Drake level of being into my feelings. Is that I have really shared this break-up or feelings of lost with anyone not my friends here in Chicago or back home. I'm basically doing what Mariah Carey said in Breakdown. 

Friends ask me how I feel

And I lie convincingly
Cause I don't want to reveal
The fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise
Till I go home at night
And turn down all the lights
And then I break down and cry.

Yup that's exactly what I'm doing..... I'm suffering in silence because we all know real G's move in silence. Well I guess I won't be when people read this but why am I choosing to go through this alone?... idk. Maybe because I'm stubborn, prideful, or I just don't want folks to know how far gone I got of over a boy. How caught up in the rapture I got with him or just explaining what did or didn't happen between us. This is basically being prideful. Think I said this before on this blog but I don't get serious with guys a lot. I'll date a guy and before it gets too serious I'll let shit fall apart. I never allow myself to really get to into a guy. Yeah I may like a guy but I'll like him like I like pizza. Meaning that I like pizza but I don't need pizza in my life everyday, it's not a necessity like red wine. It's my defense mechanism, its my way of keeping men from getting to close and from me getting hurt. 

Welp I kind liked this guy like red wine and not pizza this time around and now I'm feeling like Carrie did when Big left her at the alter in Sex and The City. You remember how crazy she looked after that.... yeah that's been me for the past few days. 

So now I feel like an idiot and I'm just not ready to show anyone that side of me right now.... not even my Mama. I just want to sit around and watch Law and Order marathons and drink myself into 2013. Not that I think anyone of my friends would judge me or not be supportive..... I'm just going through the motions and right I don't want to drag anyone else into. I know that break-ups are apart of life, they happen to everyone at some point and feeling the way I have been for the past couple days is okay. It happens to even the best of us but I'm not okay feeling this way. So dear friends if I'm even more sporadic on this blog, this is why I'm way too deep into my feelings right now. I know I'll be okay eventually but it just won't be today.

Vacation Takeaways

I'm back from my first real vacation in like two years, that's not to say that I haven't been anywhere other than Chicago for the past two years because I have. But I don't real look at visiting friends and family a real vacation, that's just going to visit someone. Anyway I had a great time and enjoyed my time away from cold ass Chicago. While I was gone I learned a few things about myself and just life in general and would like to share things with you.

1) Cruises- Until last week I had never been on a cruise, why? I don't like boats/ships or big open spaces of water. It just freaks me out..... so when we set sail and all I could see was water and no land around me, a strange feeling came over me. Its not that I don't know how to swim, I do but being a sea and there's no land in sight is just weird. Also as I found out motion sickness is real in the battle field. Although I did take some medicine Dramamine I still got sick one night. I would suggest taking it even if you think motion sickness won't be a problem for you. I have never felt that way before in my life.... I wish to never feel it again either. It was almost as bad as when I got food poisoning from the food court at the mall in college. The motion in the ocean was on ten that particular night. Oh yeah being hungover on a cruise is ten times worst than on dry land.

2) Packing- As Erykah Badu once said "Pack light". I have the tendency to over pack, I am exactly the person was talking about, I'm a bag lady. So for my week vacation, I had four bags. A big suitcase, a mid-size one, a carry on bag, and my purse which probably doubles as a overnight satchel. I had to get porters and all types of assistance carrying all those bags around. I have a serious problem but I believe I genuinely needed everything I packed because you never know what you may need. My motto is a rather be over than under because its always easier take something away to make it less than it is to add on and make something more. For example if you're over-dressed for an event. You can take of articles of clothing or accessories off to make your outfit less fancy but if you're under dressed, well you're just assed out. You don't have the tools to make your outfit more extravagant. However I do know now that I don't always have to take everything that's in my closet either.

3) Your crew- It's not always about where you go its about who you go with. Yes, I had an amazing time on my trip to the Bahamas. The place was beautiful but what make my time so great was I was with my awesome friend. We the best time on vacation and at the places we visited but more importantly we had an amazing time with each other. There were no Basketball wives fights or Real Housewives cuss outs. It was just fun hang out with my friends and that's what really matters the most.

Roll Bounce

I’m pretty sure we’ve all had this happen to us. You’re out with your friends having a good time or hell maybe you’re not having a good time, but the point is that y’all are out there in dem streets. All of a sudden one person in the group and decides to break away from the sisterhood of the travelling pants goes to see about a boy.  Yup she ditched the group. This happened pretty recently to me and I’ve done it a couple of times myself . While I gave 0.09 fucks about my friend ditching the group to go be about a dick. The other parties involved were hotter than fish grease. I mean they were pissed and they couldn’t understand why I wasn’t mad too.   Well back in the day when I was younger (let me stop quoting Toni Braxton songs, Secrets album track#9) I might have felt some type of way. I was taught to be on that that “we come together, we leave together” policy. These days tho you can go home with or go home to the Candyman for all I care if that’s what you wanna do. Why? Because you’re grown and so am I. How do I look life telling my 28 year old friend… “Girl I don’t think should be going home with him just because he brought you two Cosmos” or “Girl why are you leaving? We are all suppose to be hanging out together and now you’re going him to Brad, that’s wack?” How crazy would I sound?? This ain't the Babysitter Club; we aren’t waiting for Dawn’s mama to pick all of us up after the movies. This isn’t 7th grade anymore ladies and gentlemen, so stop acting like it. I probably wouldn’t have even been that mad back in the day, I would have been more like concerned about her safety. I mean if she just meet old boy and has been twerking it to Bands a Make Her dance all night with him. I would’ve asked her are you sure about this? Just to make sure she was good money. Just because I wouldn’t want her life to turn into an episode of Law and Order: SVU….. Shit that goes for any of my friends present day as well.

But I’m not going to be salty because you decide to leave the festivities and do the do with some guy. Be it a guy you just met, boyfriend, homeboy, or husband. But what I witness a few weeks ago was ridiculous, I mean folks were livid and I just didn't understand why. Listen the only reasons I think a person should be mad if their friend ditches them is 1) that friend is your ride and has left you without informing you or giving you no other option of transportation to leave that place. 2) They just fucking disappear and doesn’t inform anyone in the group and y’all spend ½ of the night looking for them 3) they are too drunk to be going home with random dudes and refuse to let you not allow them to possibly become a real life SVU victim. Now notice  that in number three I said random dude not boyfriend/husband or dude she’s on and off again with.  I get it some nights you just want do hoodrat shit with your hoodrat friends, so when one of them disrupts the plan.. It’s a little annoying.  But is it really worth ruining your night? If this doesn’t happen every time y’all go out, then there’s no need to remove her/him from your gchat list or ask for your friendship bracelet back.  So what your friend decides to call it a night at 12:45 because Tony called wants to come by for some adult twister action?? Does that mean you get mad and stay mad for the rest of the night?? Chile if it bothers you that much, go call or find your own Tony. I bet you won’t be so steamed pressed about what your friend is doing anymore. There’s just no need to get all bent out of shape about it but friends that are doing the ditching please take into consideration of the people you’re with. I know sometimes there’s a dick emergency that’s way more important drinking watered down Jack and cokes and having to dealing with musty ass men in the club with your friends (we’ve all been there). But just know that these people are your friends and be mindful of their feelings as well, so that your chicks and dicks can coexist.

I'm Bossy

"Sometimes you have to talk bossy to them". This quote was said to me by my best friend at the time in 3rd grade and it still rings true to this day. What she was referring to was this boy in our class, his name I forget and it's really not that important now. All I remember was that we wanted this boy to sharpen our pencils for us while in Art class because well we were lazy and didn't want to walk to the front of the class and do it ourselves. I initially asked him all politely and shit. Guess what he was like yeah no do it yourself. My friend demands he sharpens the pencils, she says something  like " Oh you're going to sharpens these pencils if it's the last thing you do boy". Well we got our pencils sharpen and that's when she turned to me and said the above statement. At the time I thought she was crazy as hell, you can't go around talking to boys all kinds of crazy, they'll be mean to you and steal your fruit roll ups from you. She proceeded to tell me to keep that Pollyanna shit in check and talk to these boys all kinds of reckless because they don't response to nice. That there was a fine line between the two and that you had to know which one to use when the time was right. Yes..... I swear on my dearly departed dog Smokey. That this was the conversation I was having with my friend in our 3rd 4th period art class.

I honestly wish I would've thought about this particular convo a lot more often than have and currently do because my natural Pollyanna approach to certain things hasn't been the most effective approach. Sometimes you actually have to go ham or talk bossy to people for them to actually pay attention and take heed to what your trying to say. Honestly the only person I talk "bossy" to on a regular basis is my brother. Why?? Maybe because I'm older I feel like I have some superiority over him but he's use to my bossy talk now, so its like whatever the fuck to him. However over all that easy breeze cover girl shit only gets you so far. I have definitely noticed that when I straight up cuss someone the fuck out whether its a friend, foe or boyfriend this gets there attention. Its not like I'm sitting around taking people's shit like toilets put I'm generally a non-confrontational person. Like I'll just stop talking to you but I tell what my problem with you and why I'm not talking to you anymore. That's just too much damn energy and I rather pay you dust, than deal with you anymore.

Well this method is ideal for me, there are some people you just gonna have to confront no matter how much you try to.  I just like things to be cool and clam, I don't want any problems. So I'll make excuses, overlook, brush shit off, swallow pride, and bite my tongue a lot of the time to keep the peace. I guess that's why at times I come off as a Pollyanna and like a true southern belle. Just a nice and peachy girl but if ask my brother or folks that really know me they'll tell you I'm not that innocence and sweet. I just don't want leave my little world of Care-A-Lot (to you youngins that's the place the Carebears lived), I just don't no problems. So when someone makes me put dem paws on em... shit it's not pretty. I do have a smart ass mouth but I just don't cuss people out like for real, for real. So when it happens its effective.

I remember one college when I moved off campus me and my roommates/friends became friends with  the guys that lived next to us. They came over to our place like everyday, we never went to there house well.. because it was disgusting. Like I went over there like once and I swear I thought I caught SARS or something. Why do boys live like that?? Okay back to the story... it was the end of the year and my other friend was subletting my room because I was going back to Atlanta for the summer. So I asked your neighbors if they would help us move her in, they were like yeah. Okay cool. Long story short me and her (just me and her) move all her shit into the apartment in my jeep. I mean were riding down the street with her mattress on the roof of my car, with no damn rope securing it to my car. All we had was Ethernet cords, so we're riding down the street with her mattress and box spring loosely attached to my car with Ethernet cords, going like 20 mph, and both of us holding on to this shit with our bare hands. We get to my apartment and these fools are sitting on their and some of them were on my porch drinking steel reserves and smoking. I lost it!!! I mean I went the fuck off... saw red!! I have no idea what I said but all I know is that stuff in my jeep got moved into the house without me touching it and they were scared to talk to me for like a week. To this day one of them still says he's never been cussed out like that before nor since that night. Sometimes you have to talk bossy to them.

Sweet Talk

I've never been good at schmoozing or kissing people's ass .... It's just not in me. I finding it exhausting and quite frankly annoying. I have always been the type to tell people, well let me rephrase that not people in general. It's more like the people I know... how I really feel about things. Back home it's called real talk no flex. I'm not that great at sugar coating things to people over the age of 12. I realized that the same loose lip way I talk with my friends is the same way I talk with people that aren't my friends... well at least to a certain degree. At work I'm definitely not in my real talk no flex mode... I am professional. What I'm trying to get at is I can't talk to certain people in the same manner I talk to my friends. What certain people am I talking about? Well boys, dudes I'm dating. This fact became very apparent over this past weekend.

See the way me and my friends talk amongst ourselves is like the uncut version of Sex & the City or something. It's very raw, real and unfiltered (real talk no flex). Actually I don't talk like this with all my friends, just a certain number of them. Because the other ones... well they just ain't about that life and that's cool.  Everything ain't for everybody. Anyway back to the ones that we talk to each other like we don't like each other... it's just the nature of our relationship. We curse like sailors and drink like fish. We objectify men, it's wild and reckless talk. That's cute for us but I have learnt its not so cute for others especially some the men in our my life. Let me be clear that I'm not going around talking crazy to the guys I'm dating.... I'm not going around telling them they ain't shit but a piece of dick or anything like that. No absolutely not. None of that is  going on. What I'm talking about is not exactly giving them that sweet talk... not putting a filter on my thoughts. Saying things I probably shouldn't be saying to them or I should say but in a nicer way. 

This occurred to me when the guy I'm somewhat dating said I was mean. After I gave him this face 😱 he cleaned up what he said by saying I just say things at times with no thought on how the other person may feel. I just talk with zero fucks given. I never thought about it that way... I'm not saying he was exactly right but he had a point. I can't talk to certain people the same way I talk to my friends... some people can't handle that type of shit. After talking to one of my friends she pointed out with people/men you have stroke their ego and give them that sweet talk. There has to be a balance, you can't always be all brass and sassy. That when I say certain things they (my friends) know I mean no harm and I'm talking shit but others don't always see it that way. Well I certainly see that now after a comment I made got blown way out of proportion by the guy I'm kinda dating. I meant no harm but boy did he take it as a fowl. So know I'm trying to embrace some of that sweet talk and leaving the real talk no flex for my friends.

An Ode To Smokey

There it was in blue and black (if you’re an iPhone user) Smokey died…. And for a quick second I think I had a heart attack. See my brother who rarely physically calls anyone, called me three times in a span of thirty minutes. I didn’t answer his calls because I was at a lunch meeting, finally I decided to text him and ask him what was up and ever in a million years did I think he would have told me that Smokey died. See Smokey was the family dog for the past 11 years and has been a valued member of my family for all these years. 

I remember going with my Step-dad to pick out Smokey from the pound for my brother's 13th birthday. I looked and looked around and not one of those dogs moved me, then I got to the pin where he was. He had about 4-6 other brothers and sisters with him, but there was something about him that seemed special, maybe it was his sad eyes idk but I knew that he was the dog for us and he was up until this week. I was the one to even name him Smokey, although he was technically my brother's present. He was intending to call him Midnight... but that name didn't suit him to me, so I vetoed it and he was named Smokey. Now I have had dogs all my life but none of them were like him. From the very beginning he was different. Scary is how I would describe him when we first got him he was scared of everything... he didn't like the dark and hated the rain. But he was also full of joy he would chase butterflies, roll around in the grass, and eat vegetables out of my mom's garden (which she hated). He had some trials and tribulations too, like when we found out that his eyelashes were growing inside out, and that he would eventually go blind but we saved his eyesight. My Step-dad somehow found some organization to pay for the $2000 surgery. The time I came home from work and didn't find him in out in the yard and almost had a heart attack. I searched and searched for him for hours, only to find out my brother had left the backdoor open and Smokey had only gone across the street to my neighbor's house and he was keeping him until we got home. He never strayed to far from home. 

There was the time we had other dog for awhile and her and Smokey got into a fight, and although that dog was a Japanese Akita and twice the size of Smokey (serious that damn dog was my height on her hind legs and I'm 5'10) and Smokey surprised everyone by literally beat the dog shit out of her before the fight was broken up. The absolute most memorable thing about him was when my Grandma died and I would just go sit on the back porch before anyone got home and Smokey would come up and sit with me and wouldn't move until I moved. He just somehow knew I need someone around and that is what he would do,  just sit with me. I didn't feel like talking or discussing my feelings about my Grandma's death, I just wanted to sit and be silent and that's exactly what Smokey would do with me. I could go on and go about Smokey, because that's how much of an awesome dog he was. Actually he was more than a dog he was my friend.... one I'm going miss very much. You know some may think that grieving a dog is trivial and that there's bigger issues going on in the world. That's true but to me this is my reality now my dog is gone and I'm sad....very sad. I feel like Jennifer Aniston in the last 5 minutes of Marley and Me. They didn't lie when they said a dog is a man's best friend and right now I miss my friend.  Love you always Smokey. 

Chuck E. Cheese's And An Epiphany

Recently there's been an addition to my family.... I have a new nephew. Well my only nephew or niece to be exact but this post isn't about how adorable my nephew is, which he is. I was just thinking about how when people become parents, they at times become inconsiderate and down right rude to people that don't have kids. People with kids always make it seem like those without kids are just down right selfish and don't have their priorities straight....well I'm here to tell you,  a lot of the time its the other way around.

The above clip is an example of what the hell I'm talking about. In this episode of Friends, it's Ross's and Rachel/'s daughter's Emma's birthday. She's turning one and all of Ross's and Rachel's friends are at the party, expect that they all have something else to do and can't stay for the whole party but Rachel insists that everyone stays for the whole party, even though Emma is asleep for 85% of the party. WTF?? Now I've been in situations similar to this one from Friends. I was invited to a one year old's birthday party at 12:00pm on a Saturday and the parents insisted that everyone be there on time. First why are kids birthday parties always so damn early? Like this party couldn't have been at 3:00pm??? I'm just saying tho.  I know children can't be up all late and have sleep schedules and whatnot but Noon on a Saturday, really??? Y'all know what people are doing at noon on a Saturday.....sleeping, recovering from a hangover, at the gym, cleaning, studying, having sex but not going to kid's birthday party. Now this party was at none other than hell on Earth Chuck E. Cheese's... if you don't have kids and you sometimes forgot about using some type of protection while having sex. Take your ass to Check E. Cheese's on a Saturday afternoon..... you'll NEVER forget that shit again. So here I am at this kid's Birthday party, hung over and with 600 20 kids geeked up on pizza and cookies. I could have died right then and there. I get to this party and of course the kid is asleep *eyeroll*, me and one other person are the only people with no kids and we're sitting there like wtf. After all the introductions had been made, what do the parents of this kid do? Put me and the other childless person to work.... I mean wrangling kids out of moon bounces, cutting cake, take kids to the bathroom....... I started to think what the hell did this heffa just bamboozle us into being the nanny for like two hours? Like for real those parents just disappeared when we showed up..... I think they were going outside to the back and having white wine breaks or something. Honestly that day at Chuck E. Cheese's was one of the most annoying days of my life, and it just really got me to thinking.

First if a person without kids doesn't want to come to your kid's party (and this kid isn't related to them or they aren't the Godparent) and just send a gift , what's the problem with that? These parents are out here making it mandatory to come to their kid's parties. Me or any other childless person no coming to these Dora The Explore parties, doesn't make us bad people or selfish.... it means that the kid is not our son and we have better things to do. Especially if the kid is under the age of five, that boy or girl isn't gonna be fazed that your college roommate, co-worker, shampoo girl or whatever didn't show up to their 2nd Birthday party.  People that don't have kids shouldn't obliged to go to children parties just because their friends have kids. People with kids always have a way of making their childless friends feel shitty about not spending time with them or their kids. They say shit like "We never hangout anymore, is it because I have kids now?" or "______ really wants to see they're auntie/uncle". But my all time favorite one is "you would understand if you had kids". Blankstare I would understand what? Your constant need to remind me you have kids and "real responsibilities now". Well I have responsibilities too; Mr. Rent, Miss Car note ,and Madame Student loans. Having a kid doesn't make your properties anymore important than mine, they're just different now.

People with kids at times are the kings and queens guilt tripping folks about they're life choices. Damn near shaming you for not wanting to spend time with their kid and spending time doing the shit you like to do, to the point that they miss the key words THEIR KID not YOUR KID. If I don't want to come over to your house everyday to shoot the shit with you in the kitchen drinking Arbor Mist, while your kid watches Blue's Clues in the other room. Don't come at me with that you're selfish shit because the same thing can be said about you boo.Why don't you get a babysitter so you can go out and do things with your childless friends. You know that deep down inside you're not feeling Blue's Clues either but you have no choice in the matter, I on the other hand do and I choose no Blue's Clues. The moral of the story is people with kids don't make the people in your lives without kids feel like shit because they don't want to spend every waking minute with your kid. That's your child not your bff's, mom's, dad's, sister's, or gas station attendant's kid. Oh and stop demanding   inviting  us to your kid's party that last 5-8 hours without any adult beverages being severed, that's not hot on the streets.

Friends With Benefits

Let’s talk about SEX baby….. okay well let’s talk about friends with benefits (FWB). I was actually watching the movie FWB the other day, it’s not a horrible movie but it’s no Dirty Dancing either. I just wish Justin Timberlake would just drop another album and stop making this mediocre romantic comedies, dude you ain’t the second coming of Richard Gere. Just stick with music, tell me FutureSex/LoveSounds doesn’t blow any R&B album that dropped this year out of the water? Anyway if you haven’t seen the movie spoiler alert: Justin Timberlake’s character (Dylan) meets Mila Kunis’s character (Jamie) they become friends, then one night after both being fed up with dating and horny as fuck. They decided to have sex and become FWBs, this goes on for a couple of weeks then Jamie catches feelings. Dylan doesn’t return these feelings in the appropriate manner, they break-up well they stop being friends. Dylan doesn’t understand why Jamie is so mad at him after all they were just FWBs, and then Dylan realizes that he has feelings for Jamie too. He does his version of the boom box in the rain/ grand gesture, they make up and go on a first date and live happily ever, the end.

People don’t try this shit at home because this has a 0.5% chance of it working in real life. I’m not for or against FWBs but I will say if this is the route you decide to go please proceed with caution. Just always keep in mind that it’s a sex thing not a love thing and those are two very different things. You don’t go into a FWB situation looking to get a boyfriend or a girlfriend out of it, or some type of earth-shattering relationship. The only thing you should be looking to get is a damn nut and maybe some good conversation and that’s at folks. You can’t go into FWB thing or just a sex thing, thinking I’m gonna pop this p***y so good for him and give him porn star level head. That he’s gonna be begging me to be his girl. Or I’m long stroke that p***y so  good and make her flood the bed like breached levees in New Orleans, that she’s need me to be her man. This is fool’s logic going on right here and it’s probably gonna give you an extended stay pass at Heart-Break Hotel. You can’t fuck your way into someone’s heart!!!! Mind yeah sure but heart, absolutely not!!  I don’t care if you think you have that Kim K or Amber Rose p***y and it’s made of glitter and gold or you think you have that Lil’Wayne ( he does have like 12 kids and he looks like a Gremlin, it must be something) or Chris Brown dick (You’ve seen the pics, right?) If that person wants to be with you, they’ll be with you point blank period. It doesn’t matter if that p***y is clean or your dick is mean. So if you go into a FWB situation thinking you’re going to come up looking like Kate Middleton and Prince William, you’re living in a fool’s paradise. You better sit back and just enjoy the ride, literally.

Now there are a few cases where the two people in the FWB situation do luck up and end up like the characters in the FWB movie but chances of that happening are minuscule. Like honestly there’s a better chance of Dr. Dre releasing Detox this year before that happens and his ass has been trying to drop Detox since College Dropout came out…. So wait on that if you want to. The chances are very low but hey never say never. So when FWB situations turn into real relationships, I believe they happen organically. One or both parties didn’t go into the situation looking for more than good back blowing sessions but somehow along the way they actually realized they liked one another outside of the bedroom. They didn’t use their bedroom skills to lure the other person into bf/gf status, the shit just happened that way. These cases do happened but are very rare.

To be very frank most of the time the person you’re in sex thing situation doesn’t even think you’re worthy of bf/gf privileges, hence why you aren’t they’re bf/gf. They’re not blind, emotional detached, or so caught up in their own shit that they can’t see a good thing in front of them…..they see what’s in front of them and all they’re there for is your sex. They may very well not like your ass like that. Did you ever think about that possibility, they just like having sex with you. You just maybe a jumpoff to them or just a friend they happen to like having sex with, end of story. You may be a very good friend to them but they just don’t see it for you as a bf/gf. Sometimes sex is just sex nothing more nothing less, so if you’re a person that can’t handle that well your ass isn’t equipped to be in a FWB situation. So you should just keep your Love Jones ass away from all types of FWB possibilities, you’re not built for that type of life and that’s okay. You know what they say everything ain’t for everybody. 

And It's Not Even My Birthday

Well sometime this week my birthday is coming up....... and I just don't know how I feel about it this year.  You know there are Birthday people and they are non-Birthday people, and I'm normally a Birthday person. For like the past 9-10 birthdays I've done something on my birthday. Hell there's been times that I've celebrated my birthday for like four days in a row a couple of times.  Whether it was a dinner party or partying at a club, I've always done something. I take Birthdays very seriously.... Like I don't go to work on my Birthday it's like my own personal holiday. It wasn't just another day like the other 364 days out of the year, it's my mothafucking Birthday!! Shit YOLO (you only live once) right?

But this year idk... I'm kinda cool on my Birthday. I flip flop between actually wanting to do something and doing absolutely nothing. Where did my love for celebrating by Birthday go? Is this what happens when you get older? Do you just start quoting the late and great Notorious B.I.G. or something "Birthdays were the worst days". Although he also said "Now we sip champagne when we thirsty", in the same breathe. So I guess Birthdays are whatever you make them.  I usually take Birthdays very seriously.... Like I don't go to work on my Birthday it's like my own personal holiday. But this year I'm going to work and have no plans what so ever other than  to get drunk.

The thing is I know why not really into my Birthday this year..... Its my friends. What mean is that my friends have all been there to celebrate my Birthday. There have been times when the whole crew wasn't in full effect, due to circumstances and that was cool because other members of the crew were around. This year no parties of the crew will be around...... and I'm 99% sure that's why I'm not too amped about this Birthday. I just don't feel like I can take by Birthday ratchetness to the level 10 that I'm usually on because right about now I'm at a smooth level 2. I'm not in the mood to wear my Birthday crown all day long wherever I go because it's my Birthday. I don't feel like playing 50 Cent's In the club 100 times because it's my mothafucking Birthday. Nope not this year....now that can all change my the time my Birthday gets here, but I kinda don't see that happening. You never know though I may just go ahead and be ratchet and actually do something because YOLO. Birthdays shouldn't be this hard to figure out.  

A Sticky Situation

Disclaimer: I don’t have a problem with homosexuality but I do have a problem with homosexuals  that have a problem with my heterosexuality.  

What exactly in hell am I talking about well let me tell you a story. Upon my arrival in The City of Wind I have met several interesting and some not that interesting people. Well I meet this one girl through a mutual friend. She was cool so we started to hang out as friends do, somewhere along the way this girl (let’s call her Rita) revels that she’s gay. She goes on to say that she doesn’t like to broadcast her sexuality because she feels like it’s her business. I told yeah you’re right it’s your business, who you choose to sleep with is your business. I personally don’t care who you choose to bump uglies with, as long as it’s not my man.  I told her I’m not one those people that couldn’t be friends with a lesbian, as long as she didn’t have a problem with my heterosexuality I didn’t have a problem with her homosexuality. So we kept it moving as friends. As friends I would tell her about the guys I was dating and she would tell me about the girls she would date, why? Because friends love to talk about dating in general, things were running along smoothly until this.

New year’s eve….. Well I was out on the town having a good time with my friends aka we were drunk. Then my phone vibrates and it’s Rita. The conversation was real general at first. Like hey, where you at?, who you with?, are y’all having fun?  Blah, blah, blah. See I asked Rita if she wanted to come out for NYE and she chose to stay at home. Whatever, I answered she questions accordingly until this text came through on my phone.

Rita: “Did u drive? Idk why but I wanna see your face. Is that bad? I can’t figure out what that’s about…..”

Rita: “ Eh, I need to evaluate that. I’m a little drunk.”

Me: “No we took a taxi.”

Now ladies and gentlemen at the time this exchange took place it was 15 minutes until New Years I was drunk like it was 1999 and I didn’t really pay any attention to what she said to me.  Until the next day and I re-read the text and I sit there a thought about it. Did this girl just try me? Did she really think this was some L-Word situation? Now I do have the tendency to over react to I called my sister to see if tried me or if I was overreacting. My sister said she tried it and so did the other 4 people I told this story to. The reasons they came to this conclusion is the 2^nd text Rita sent, the evaluate part. Even as I write this the more I’m convinced she tried it.  Why did she do this, knowing that I’m straighter than an arrow? Who the fuck knows and I don’t think it had anything with the alcohol she was drinking.

Honestly I think that she thought that maybe I was (like some people in the world today) a little bi-curious and so she tried, in hopes that I was.  When she realized I wasn’t, she aborted mission and blamed it on the alcohol (I hate when people do that shit, I wasn’t the Ciroc in your cup..... it was you nigga!!  Now for the life of me I’ll never understand why she tried it, maybe she thought I was playing when I said I was straight or maybe she thought she could persuade not to me to try it out. Whatever the case maybe I just find her behavior in this situation to be disrespectful, on numerous occasions this girl would go on and on about people (in general) not respecting Gay rights and how folks always disrespect Gay people. But then she turns around and disrespects my heterosexual rights.... girl please have some stadium seats. She engaged in the same behavior in which detest, I call bullshit!!! Our friendship is now at a crossroads. I've only spoken to her twice since all this went down and it was for some real general purposes. At this point I don't think she's ever gonna to bring up this incident and I won't either because I'm over it and her too. I just makes me think was she being friends with me because she really wanted to be my FRIEND or was she just pretending to me friends with me so she could catch me slipping one day. I guess its one of those things I'll never know the answer to.

Give It Up Turn It Loose

See the thing is that some folks just don’t know their roles in people’s lives. What exactly do I mean by this?  Well a lot of the time people really think that they mean much more to you than they really do. This is not to say that they themselves are about as useful as a used tampon to your life, it just means that they aren’t exactly in your top 5. It’s like when they’re not around it’s not like you’re going around singing Tamia’s Officially missing you. When you see or talk to them it’s cool and when you don’t its cool too. They bring no tangible assets to your life and maybe they did at one point in time but they definitely do not now. The dynamics in the friendship or relationship has change. Hell there may not have ever been any real dynamics so to speak of in the first place.

But to them y’all are like a child and their My Little Buddy doll. Like y’all are Jay-z and Damon Dash circa 2001 in their mind but in reality you guys are like Jay-Z and Damon Dash present day and that My Little Buddy doll has transformed into Chucky. The relationship/friendship fails to exist anymore or has turned into complete and utter shit. Y’all don’t talk on regular basis, y'all pretty much have no idea what’s going on in each other lives, unless it scrolls across your news feed on Facebook. But yet this person ever so often tries to interject themselves into your life. It’s weird and confusing…. doesn’t this person realize y’all ain't that cool.  They’re the kind of person that hears you’re going on a trip with your besties and they tries to invite themselves or get pissed off  that you didn’t invite them. Chile….. we ain't friends that’s why you ain’t going with me to Vegas. Facts are facts and the facts for the most part y’all aren’t FRIENDS!!! You guys are more like strangers pasting each other in the night. For some people that’s a hard pill to swallow, especially if y’all were once tight at some point in life. But people change and things don’t always remain the same. If two people have grown apart that just the facts of life, folks are always so quick to kick a romantic relationship that has grown staler than last year’s bread to the curb. But can’t seem to do the same when it comes to friendships that have degenerated in the same pattern.     

Well I’m here to say it’s okay not to be bff’s with someone anymore because the friendship has changed or is damn near non-existence. There’s no need to be frying today’s fish in last year’s rancid ass fish grease. Let that shit go!!! You don’t have to feel obliged to this person because y’all were friends forever in High School. Well high school is over and idk about everyone else but I’m not the exactly the same person I was in 12^thgrade and that’s not a bad thing. Its growth that’s what is and some people grow with you and some people grow apart from you and that’s OK. It doesn’t make you a bad person because you don’t wanna hang out friends from your past. You can wish them the best in life but you don’t necessarily need to be a part of their life. Now to the friend from way back then that doesn’t get this and feels the need to try to bulldoze their way into people’s lives. Stop this behavior immediately!!! You can make some want to be your friend, even if that person was once your very good friend. Stop trying to guilt trip that person because you didn’t get an evite to their B-day dinner. Take the hints and the clues they’re giving you…. You guys aren’t no longer on the TOP 5 level. All the texting and phone call in the world isn’t gonna change that. That person no longer views you as a valid person in their lives, for whatever reason. The reason maybe be as dumb as you ate the last chicken wing at Applebee’s 7 years ago or it could be major like you slept with her boyfriend. Whatever the reason is all the harassing (yes, I said harassing because at some point if a person isn’t responding to your calls, texts, e-mails, etc. it becomes harassment) isn't gonna make them want to be friends again. Sometimes as Usher said you’ve gotta let shit burn and that includes friendships.  This ain't gonna ever be y'all.

They’re some people in your life that even though you may not talk or see to them every day or even every month but they’re still your friend and y’all catch up and its like nothing ever changed. You pick up where you left off; the friendship connection is still intact. Then you have the other people that I just talked above. The connection is dead and gone and you could talk to them every day to the day you die but that connection is just gone and never coming back like Jodeci. Life isn’t an express train downtown; it’s a long Greyhound bus ride across the country.  They are many stops; people get on and off the bus. Some people get on and only get stay to the next stop, some get on and stay for several stops, and some get on and stay for the whole bus ride. So you have to realize and recognize which people are getting on your bus and when to tell them the next stop is theirs because they may not know and you’ll wind up with an overcrowded bus and no place for important people to sit.  

Pick Up The Phone

I have several pet peeves but today I want to talk about the one that truly makes me annoyed. Which is people who you haven’t heard from in a while that act like one the phone doesn’t work two ways and secondly they just don’t know how to say Hello in a proper manner after a significant amount of time has gone by since y'all last talked. To my first point the phone really does work two ways. If you want to talk to me just call me… I call the people I want to talk to all the time. If it wasn’t for unlimited minutes AT&T would be raping my bank account on a monthly basis. If I wanted to talk too certain people in my address book guess what? I would just simply call them but I don’t and there’s a reason for that. Either 1) I really don’t wanna talk to your ass 2) I’m too busy to talk your ass 3) I want to talk to your ass but maybe I feel like you don’t want to talk to my ass, so I avoid calling you. Its real simple folks it’s not AP calculus. I’m not calling you for one of those reasons and you my friend usually know which of those reasons as to why my name isn't showing up on your caller ID. If the reasons are unclear pick up the phone and ask me. People usually call other people for one or two reasons to pass along information (either giving or receiving it) or because that person crossed your mind and you want to see how they are doing. So if I’m or someone else isn’t calling you it’s because they don’t have any information for you and they don’t want whatever information you may have for them; or they all together are not really thinking about you enough to actually call you to see how you’re doing.    

Now to the people that actually do reach out and touch someone’s hand but do it in an ass backwards and shady ass way. Please go kick some rocks with no shoes on. What am I talking about exactly? Well these are the people that call/text/tweet/fax/smoke signals whatever form of communication they choose to use and say shit like this: “Hey long time no hear, I was about to chuck the deuces to you and our whole friendship…lol. Hey has anyone ever said you remind them of Olivia from Love and Hip and Hop (or you can insert whatever person you find to be highly annoying)”?  Now you probably haven’t spoken to this person in months and not only have they 1) annoyed the fuck out of you 2) shaded the hell out of you but they have 3) reminded you as to why y’all don’t talk anymore. This above situation has happened to me before and I always wonder what the fuck is wrong with this asshole? Then I say this is way I don’t talk to their ass. Who tells someone I’m chucking the deuces to our friendship? I tell you who does that..... people with too much time on their hands. Bitch please I been did that but I have more decorum than to tell people that; I just fade to black it's easier that way. Just because you added a LOL doesn’t mean you’re joking because we all know LOL these days just means ok or you say it when you don’t know what else to say. Now the second part of the message is what really gets me hot. What the hell do you mean I remind of this asinine character on TV? Like really what do you mean by that? Is it the way I look, act, talk, like what is it? What I’ve come to realize is that these people are doing this to get a reaction out you. See, a reaction whether its positive or negative is better than no reaction to them. No reaction indicates that you really don't give damn about their thoughts or their feelings. They throw shade just to engage you into conversation….. They think either you’re going to ignore it or just laugh it off. Well not this girl, if you throw shade at me, I’m throwing the whole window treatment back at you. Then I’m going to read you like a 2^nd grader reading Bernstein Bears books for Book-It Certificates. Don’t think saying little slick shit is the way to go about re-kindling friendships because it’s not. Especially if there’s long gaps of us not being in contact with one another because in all honestly it’s like you knew me abck then but you don’t know me now so chill.

Honorable mention goes to the “Hey stranger!!!” text now this right annoys me to no end. Do people even know the definition of stranger? If you don’t than here it is. 

Stranger (noun) 1) a person with whom one has had no personal acquaintance. 2) a newcomer in a place or locality. 3) a person who is unacquainted with or unaccustomed to something. So you get the point…. Therefore if you have my number and you’re calling me. I'm clearly not a stranger!!! So don’t come at me with that stranger bs, it’s annoying and stupid. It’s just as easy to say Hey, what’s up? But instead of taking the simple route folks stay wanting to be smartasses and jackasses….smh. Well I'm here to tell you this type of behavior isn't cool and it's definitely not cute. So stop with all this passive-aggressive behavior and just say how you really feel, damnit just say Hello it goes a lot further.

Attention Whores

If there’s one type of person I can’t stand in this world it’s an ATTENTION WHORE, they’re up there on my shit-list right after a liar and a thief. To all of my attention whores I have a question. When the hell did Queen Elizabeth die and make you the successor for the Queen of England? Oh yeah, btw Kate Middleton already has that spot, so try again queen. Attention whores are the people that do things, just so somebody can acknowledge their presence and pay attention to their ass.  99% of the time attention is paid them for the wrong things and reasons. Attention whores are the   type of people that go to the club VIP, buy bottles, and jump on couches like they’re Diddy or some damn body. All so they can be seen. Then they usually turn around and ask you for $300 the next week to pay their car note because they spent all their bill money trying to floss at the club. If this is you, your life is completely out order .But why would someone do all of this? They’re an attention whore that’s why. They want people to stop and do the Look at me now stare and dance, while they’re doing foolish sh!t just to be seen.  These are the people that do dumb shit or lie on their lives and mama’s lives too, so that people can be like, well damn I wish I was doing that big too. See back home we call this type of behavior flexin’, they’re just showing off because they like the attention. 9 times out of 10, its bullsh!t. Most of what they’re saying and claiming are false and they are really not about that life. People that are really about that kind of life, they don’t talk about it. You never hear them talk about the things they have or the things they’re doing, because real G’s move in silence.

Then you have the attention whore that needs the attention and comfort from the opposite sex or same-sex depending on their preference. These people are the ones that have their ass cheeks as their profile pic on Facebook or they tweet sh!t  like “My vibrator is broken. Anybody want to buy me a new one and use it on me?” (No, I really did see this on my timeline once). When I see things like this all I can think about is, damn so this is what it’s come to and I hope your parents don’t know about the life you’re leading. Hoeing yourself out on twitter so some rusty ass dude can send you a dm of his ashy penis ain’t hot in the streets but girl/boy….. I guess. When you come into contact with an attention whore and you yourself aren’t one, they are going to get on your hot damn nerves and there are for several reasons for that.

One, since you’re not out in the world looking for people to validate your whole entire life. The behavior of an attention whore is going to be more baffling and confusing to you than Wacka Flocka Flame in AP Calculus 3 class. You won’t understand why this person has on f*ck me pumps walking around Target at 11:34am on a Tuesday. Don’t try to understand it, just know they’re looking for attention in the worst kind of way and keep it moving. Another point I would like to make is that, if you are out and about with an attention whore and you just so happen to get more attention than them, i.e. more men are approaching you. Be prepared the fury of hate that’s going to happen, the hate won’t be directed at you but at every damn thing. Things like this are going to be said.

“This place is wack.”

“He/she ain’t even that cute.”

“He/she ain’t got no money.”

“Where are all the cuties.”

And finally…..

“I’m ready to go.”

All of this and probably more will be said all because, they aren’t getting any attention and if they aren’t getting nobody else is allowed to receive any attention. So pack your patience and Excedrin when dealing with an attention whore or just don’t deal with their ass. If you are an attention whore, its okay if others get noticed too, I promise you will survive. Also if you’re out here hoeing yourself out here for hot pockets , Express gift cards and whatever the hell else, please stop and re-evaluate the situation or get a puppy. 

What About Your Friends?

The other day I over heard my brother and his friend talking and his friend said that he's really feeling his new girl because she doesn't roll with too many girls. Men, if you ever meet a girl and she says she doesn't hangout with a lot of females or doesn't have any female friends, you better run for the hills because that girl is trouble. Now some of her reasons for saying such foolishness are that females are catty and keep up drama blah blah blah... I'm calling bs on that line of thinking because honestly men and women both do this these things.

The truth is when a women says things like that. Its not that she doesn't like hanging out with other women. Other women don't like hanging out with her. And its usually for these reasons: 1) she's a b*tch   2) she's a h*e or 3) she's both. All this talk about how she was always a tomboy and just feels more comfortable around guys is just to cover up the fact that other women don't like her. And I'm not even saying that these girls are sleeping with any of their male friends because that may not be the case. There's something deeper going on here. See we all need friends from the same and opposite sex, there are different thing you get out of each friendship. So if you meet someone who only hangs out with people of the opposite sex, they're  missing out on a whole other part of friendship that males aren't able to give because males and females function differently with their friends.

Another thing that baffles me when I come across women like this is that most of the time these women are just as catty and full of drama as the women they claim they can't be friends with. I just don't get how a woman can live on this planet for 20+ years and not come across at least 1-2 other women she can call her friend (and your sisters or cousins don't count). This just leads me to believe that you my dear, have a serious character flaw in your personality that other women just can't deal with. I'm not saying that girls need the whole female cast of "For Colored Girls" as her friends because that's sometimes a recipe for disaster as well. To the men that thinks that a girl not having any female friends is a great thing, you're playing yourself because more often or not this woman doesn't get along with people in general. And eventually that's going to include you.