If It Makes You Happy

The clip above is from one of my all-time favorite TV shows Girlfriends…. I just wish the complete series wasn’t like $300 O_o @ Amazon. Anyway in this particular scene, it’s Toni Childs wedding day and her maid of honor (MOH) Joan Clayton is going around acting like a little bitch. See for those that haven’t seen this show or episode Hulu or YouTube is your friend. But here’s a little back story about what’s going on.

As I said Toni is getting married to a little (because he’s short) Jewish Doctor name Todd Garrett. See Toni in all her vain glory was thinking about getting some plastic surgery and he was her doctor. He basically told her to get the fuck out his office because there was nothing wrong with her being that she was beautiful already. So they don’t start dating immediately because Toni is shallow and Todd is short and those two things don’t mix very well. But one day he comes to her rescue (like they always do in real life, lol) and she start to look beyond his handicap of being short, to see he’s a really decent guy and they fall in love and shit. Well after dating for a few months Todd purposes to Toni and they’re getting married. This is where things start to fall apart for her bff Joan.

See Joan is the typical I want to get married and have babies type of girl, I do believe that on the show she had a wedding trunk. In this trunk there was all types of shit that a bridezilla would have, including a wedding dress. So now that her bff is getting married this has left Joan on the edge of glory and about to lose her damn mind. She’s in a relationship but the shit isn’t what one would say is solid like a rock. As her boyfriend just found out he’s former jump-off is pregnant, so as you can imagine Joan and her bf Ellis are going to some things. So now she’s faced with being the MOH to her bff, while her relationship is rolling in the deep. This is only compounds the fact that Joan is a wedding/marriage obsessed crazy bitch and now her friend is getting married, to a man she’s only been seeing for a few months….. this is where Joan becomes completely unhinged.   Well Joan begins to act crazy as hell, she’s tries to sabotage (by acting like a lunatic) her relationship with Ellis. She misses key parts of Toni’s wedding planning things. Such as coming late as hell to Toni’s rehearsal dinner and then leaving the wedding venue to go fix things between her and Ellis. Long story short Toni realizes Joan is being a real heffa hoe/bitch about her wedding. She politely tells Joan since she’s not happy about her wedding she doesn’t have to be there and rudely cuts her bridesmaids dress to shreds. In the end Toni and Joan make up and she and Ellis work things out. At least for that season because her and Ellis breakup for totally different reasons and she and Toni stop being friends for some other bullshit.

Well this post isn’t about a synopsis of Girlfriends season 3. This post is about Joan’s reaction to Toni’s exciting and happy news about her upcoming wedding. Joan’s reaction was classical haterism…. Shit she was at their engagement party asks Toni if she’s rushing into things. Not because she was really concerned about Toni’s decision to get married too quickly but because Toni was getting married and she wasn’t…. that my friends is hate.  Then at her cake tasting party (at Joan’s House) she’s telling Ellis to come get his shit (after they faux-broke-up) in the middle of the party. Why?? Because she was hating. She even admits this to Ellis, when he calls her out on her bs.  All the while damn near screaming “she’s happy for her friend”, as tears are rolling down her face because she realizes just how jealous of her friend she is. It’s a shame, a damn shame I say.  See we all have a Joan in our lives (whether we care to admit it or not ), she’s your friend, sister, coworker, cousin, hell it maybe your mama. I have a Joan or two and although these person aren’t completely a waste of a human being because they do have some really good qualities that make them good people and friends. They have this one fatal flaw and it’s their inner hater. See the inner hater may not raise its head all the time because the Joan in your life knows how to keep it in check for the most part. But then something happens in your life and that inner hater can’t be contained. It comes out with the fury of Nicki Minaj stans after she deleted her twitter account, it’s like a category 5 hurricane.

The inner hater in them won’t allow them to be truly happy for you because you’re getting married, having a baby, got a new job, got the last mint green sorbet nail polish at target, whatever the fuck it is. These people aren’t the everyday haters you deal with, like that bitchass coworker that tried to throw you under the bus in the weekly meetings. No ma’am/sir… this person is your friend, bff, homie, buddy. In my opinion these people are the worse than the typical haters because as your friend they’re supposed to wish you well but they don’t. they should be happy for you but they aren’t. They over there wishing it was them instead of you or wondering what makes you so damn special that things great things are happening to you.  They may say they’re happy for you but you know deep down inside that shit is eating them up…. They’re hating!! They don’t wish you well because they can’t, they may honestly really want to be happy for you. But something in their genetic makeup just won’t allow them….it’s a fatal flaw. They hate on people that are they’re friends and people they claim to love because something deep in their bones just can’t allow them to be happy about their friend’s happiness. Their eyes are green and it’s not because they eat a lot of vegetables… shot out to Erykah Badu. You have to able to identify these kind of people in your lives… there are no real tell-tell signs. This person could be your friend for 17 years and if your ass ups and gets married or something, they may just show their ass like Joan. You just have to keep you spidey sense updated and know when someone isn’t really there for your happiness. With that kind of haterism there’s no concealing that for too long, so you’ll know. I’m not saying you need to drop this person from your like Kanye wanted to drop Kris Humphries from the Nets because he is/was in love with Kim K. I’m just saying be aware of these types of people sometimes your biggest hater is right their kicking it with you. So be mindful and that’s their issue not yours and if you need to check their asses like Toni did with Joan, then so be.   

        

How Pressed Can You Be?

I've never understood people who go out with someone and sleep with said person within a week or two of meeting this person and now y'all go together. I'm sorry but there's a disconnect here. Girls (and boys too) will go out with some man they met at the club, go on one date and sleep with him and now y'all are in a relationship. You're all up on his twitter page, changing your facebook relationship status, and telling you mama all about him. Really???? How is this possible? You're telling your friends about how much you're feeling him and going around being very much like Amerie in 2002, talking about why don't we fall in love? Chile.. please go kill yourself. Do you even know how crazy you sound? Can you please tell me how you go from  the 1st date eating dinner with this man at The Cheesecake Factory to picking out the color of your bridesmaids dresses?

What is being demonstrated here is an extreme case of being pressed. Yes, people who think like this is  are more pressed than Steve Harvey's suit on the day he's hosting the Celebration of Gospel for the 20th time. I just don't understand it. How do you go from meeting someone to telling people this is my new boo, all in a week. Nobody can be that sprung, can they? The sad thing about being this press and that the other party never feels the same way. Never I say. They're not at home doodling the other person's name in a notebook or dreaming about getting Brian McKnight to sing at the wedding. Nope, none of this stuff is going through their brain, they're chillin'. Which is exactly what your monkey ass should do to. Yeah they like you.... but it ain't love and y'all definitely don't go together, at least not yet. This isn't 7th grade miss/sir just because someone expressed some sort of feelings for you, doesn't mean its a relationship. So keep all thoughts like that stored in your trapper keeper and locked in your locker, with your Jr high thinking ass. Chill out, take a step back, and just date this person. Stop thinking David Tutera is coming to plan your wedding to this person and just keep things real cute.

Let me say this if the person you're so gaga over, had any idea how pressed you are, I'm pretty sure they would PAUSE on the whole situation between the two of you. There's nothing worst than a pressed person because honestly it comes off as desperate and who wants to be with a desperate person? No damn body, that's who. How are you already thinking about being in a relationship and all they're thinking about what movie to go see with you on Friday? It makes no sense. So just clam your happy ass down and relax and just let it happen.

Marriage, Different Strokes for Different Folks

I'll never forget witnessing an argument between one of my friends and her then boyfriend. I don't remember all the details of the fight, but I do recall him saying this, "We're not white, what I look like getting married at 23?" See, I agreed with what he said back when he said it, I still kinda of agree with it now. But that's not the point of this, the point is why is his statement accepted as the norm in the black community? Its almost a damn fact like the state capital of Georgia is Atlanta.  Most black people don't get married at young ages. See when I graduated from college at the age of 21 I knew 4 white girls that were engaged, want to know how many blacks were in this same boat? I'll tell you... 0. In fact getting married was the last thing on us young black folks minds. Some may say, "Oh black men at that age aren't studding marriage." No it was black girls too. We were worried about grad school, student loans and finding a job. Marriage? What the hell! Who's trying to get married at 21? At that age I was trying not to have to eat ramen noodles again for dinner and more concerned about getting to the bar for 50cent beers. So why was it that my white friends were concerned with wedding cakes, caterers, and seating charts?

I've been thinking about it and I've come up with a few reasons, the first is MONEY. Weddings cost money and if you don't want to have your reception  looking like Pookie's graduation cookout, its gonna cost a significant amount of it. Well a lot of my white friends parents paid for their weddings, they've been saving for that joint since Emily was born. Show of hands if your parents have been saving for your wedding? My hand is down and buried in the sand, I don't know many black folks that have saved for Keisha's wedding. A lot people can't be concerned about what's going to happen 20 years from now, they're worried about today's bills and tomorrow's creditors. You know going to the justice of the peace isn't as popular as you may think, ask the WE network it might as well be called the Wedding channel. Most people want weddings, at the least the first time around and weddings cost money and planning. Two things most 21 year old black folks don't have and aren't that willing to plan for. 

Another thing I came up with is that there's a vast difference in terms of encouragement and support of marriage itself between the races. I've found that in the white community marriage is talked about in positive terms, its just what people do. You meet a person, date them for a year or two then you marry them and have kids, its just the circle of life. You do all this for stability, you know two is better than one. Buying a house is easier to do if you're married, raising kids is easier to do with two people versus just one person. These things are seen and encouraged by white people from an early age, going through life with a partner is just deemed as the smarter choice. These things aren't always encouraged in the black community. What's encouraged goes more in this line of thinking. Get your career started first, buy your own house first, date as much as possible and sow your royal oats. Then settle down when you've done all the things you want to do, after you've partied your life away. The way of thinking between the two communities is just completely different.

See with black folks growing up, a lot kids (especially girls) would hear things from their mamas, grandmas and aunts. Like you don't need a man, men ain't ish, or don't you let no man control you. Well if you hear something long enough you'll start to believe it. A lot of the time black women take the hurt and the pain that men from their past have put them through and just transfer that same hurt and pain to their children. The cycle just continues because their children grow up with the same mistrust and bitterness towards men. Well I'm no genius but I'm pretty sure that believing in this ideology isn't the best way to build a marriage. Women are going around with artillery walls around their hearts and men got them same guns like T.I. trying to bring these walls down. It seems like people are fighting a losing and pointless battle with one another. Who has that kind of time or energy? I don't, I'm not sure about everybody else. I just think that both white and black people can learn something from one another when it comes to marriage. Marriage shouldn't be rushed but I don't think it requires one to go on a long soul-searching journey either.  You may not need to be a totally independent person either, because after all I do believe there's a little codependency that must exist in marriage.