If It Makes You Happy

The clip above is from one of my all-time favorite TV shows Girlfriends…. I just wish the complete series wasn’t like $300 O_o @ Amazon. Anyway in this particular scene, it’s Toni Childs wedding day and her maid of honor (MOH) Joan Clayton is going around acting like a little bitch. See for those that haven’t seen this show or episode Hulu or YouTube is your friend. But here’s a little back story about what’s going on.

As I said Toni is getting married to a little (because he’s short) Jewish Doctor name Todd Garrett. See Toni in all her vain glory was thinking about getting some plastic surgery and he was her doctor. He basically told her to get the fuck out his office because there was nothing wrong with her being that she was beautiful already. So they don’t start dating immediately because Toni is shallow and Todd is short and those two things don’t mix very well. But one day he comes to her rescue (like they always do in real life, lol) and she start to look beyond his handicap of being short, to see he’s a really decent guy and they fall in love and shit. Well after dating for a few months Todd purposes to Toni and they’re getting married. This is where things start to fall apart for her bff Joan.

See Joan is the typical I want to get married and have babies type of girl, I do believe that on the show she had a wedding trunk. In this trunk there was all types of shit that a bridezilla would have, including a wedding dress. So now that her bff is getting married this has left Joan on the edge of glory and about to lose her damn mind. She’s in a relationship but the shit isn’t what one would say is solid like a rock. As her boyfriend just found out he’s former jump-off is pregnant, so as you can imagine Joan and her bf Ellis are going to some things. So now she’s faced with being the MOH to her bff, while her relationship is rolling in the deep. This is only compounds the fact that Joan is a wedding/marriage obsessed crazy bitch and now her friend is getting married, to a man she’s only been seeing for a few months….. this is where Joan becomes completely unhinged.   Well Joan begins to act crazy as hell, she’s tries to sabotage (by acting like a lunatic) her relationship with Ellis. She misses key parts of Toni’s wedding planning things. Such as coming late as hell to Toni’s rehearsal dinner and then leaving the wedding venue to go fix things between her and Ellis. Long story short Toni realizes Joan is being a real heffa hoe/bitch about her wedding. She politely tells Joan since she’s not happy about her wedding she doesn’t have to be there and rudely cuts her bridesmaids dress to shreds. In the end Toni and Joan make up and she and Ellis work things out. At least for that season because her and Ellis breakup for totally different reasons and she and Toni stop being friends for some other bullshit.

Well this post isn’t about a synopsis of Girlfriends season 3. This post is about Joan’s reaction to Toni’s exciting and happy news about her upcoming wedding. Joan’s reaction was classical haterism…. Shit she was at their engagement party asks Toni if she’s rushing into things. Not because she was really concerned about Toni’s decision to get married too quickly but because Toni was getting married and she wasn’t…. that my friends is hate.  Then at her cake tasting party (at Joan’s House) she’s telling Ellis to come get his shit (after they faux-broke-up) in the middle of the party. Why?? Because she was hating. She even admits this to Ellis, when he calls her out on her bs.  All the while damn near screaming “she’s happy for her friend”, as tears are rolling down her face because she realizes just how jealous of her friend she is. It’s a shame, a damn shame I say.  See we all have a Joan in our lives (whether we care to admit it or not ), she’s your friend, sister, coworker, cousin, hell it maybe your mama. I have a Joan or two and although these person aren’t completely a waste of a human being because they do have some really good qualities that make them good people and friends. They have this one fatal flaw and it’s their inner hater. See the inner hater may not raise its head all the time because the Joan in your life knows how to keep it in check for the most part. But then something happens in your life and that inner hater can’t be contained. It comes out with the fury of Nicki Minaj stans after she deleted her twitter account, it’s like a category 5 hurricane.

The inner hater in them won’t allow them to be truly happy for you because you’re getting married, having a baby, got a new job, got the last mint green sorbet nail polish at target, whatever the fuck it is. These people aren’t the everyday haters you deal with, like that bitchass coworker that tried to throw you under the bus in the weekly meetings. No ma’am/sir… this person is your friend, bff, homie, buddy. In my opinion these people are the worse than the typical haters because as your friend they’re supposed to wish you well but they don’t. they should be happy for you but they aren’t. They over there wishing it was them instead of you or wondering what makes you so damn special that things great things are happening to you.  They may say they’re happy for you but you know deep down inside that shit is eating them up…. They’re hating!! They don’t wish you well because they can’t, they may honestly really want to be happy for you. But something in their genetic makeup just won’t allow them….it’s a fatal flaw. They hate on people that are they’re friends and people they claim to love because something deep in their bones just can’t allow them to be happy about their friend’s happiness. Their eyes are green and it’s not because they eat a lot of vegetables… shot out to Erykah Badu. You have to able to identify these kind of people in your lives… there are no real tell-tell signs. This person could be your friend for 17 years and if your ass ups and gets married or something, they may just show their ass like Joan. You just have to keep you spidey sense updated and know when someone isn’t really there for your happiness. With that kind of haterism there’s no concealing that for too long, so you’ll know. I’m not saying you need to drop this person from your like Kanye wanted to drop Kris Humphries from the Nets because he is/was in love with Kim K. I’m just saying be aware of these types of people sometimes your biggest hater is right their kicking it with you. So be mindful and that’s their issue not yours and if you need to check their asses like Toni did with Joan, then so be.   

        

Is Having A Baby With Someone The New Form Of Marriage?

 I kind of touched upon the fact that Lauryn Hill is pregnant with her 6th kid, and to that I say wowers..... really in 2011 people are still trying to form their own  version of the Jackson clan? I guess whatever floats your boat. Well apparently she's having her 6th child with the father of her other 5 kids with one of the Marley boys. Who is also apparently denying that the baby is his, but then retracted that statement, this is all getting a little to All My Children for my liking. Anywho, Lauryn isn't married to this man and word on the street is that he's still married to he's other children's baby mama but that's another post for another day.

What I wanna talk about is that this woman Lauryn Mfing Hill has laid down and had 5 kids with this man and is about to have the 6th one and she's just as single as a dollar bill. As my Grandma says, "if you ain't married you're single according to the government ". See there's no box to check on your 1040 form that says, I've been with this negro for 8+ years and have 3.5 of his children . No ma'ma there's no such thing. Look I may not be the biggest advocate for the institution of marriage in my own personal life, I kinda live by the motto "everything ain't for everybody". That includes marriage too, but what I've been noticing lately is this trend of having 2+ babies with someone and yall ain't married. Hell marriage is so out of the picture for the two of you, that people don't even ask if yall are getting married anymore. Kinda like nobody asks about a Fugees reunion, why? Because that ish is never gonna happen, much like these girls and marriage. I just can't get down with having and bunch of babies with someone and not marrying their ass.

Yall are living together, raising kids together, splitting bills together, arguing together and everything else under the sun together but yall ain't married? Oh hell no!!! This ish right is just f#cking ridiculous. How are yall up at your child's school for a parent teacher conference and the teacher is calling yall Mr. Williams and Ms. Jones, that shit don't even sound right or okay. Look yall aren't Oprah and Stedman  or Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn, you guys aren't in Hollywood or about that Hollywood life. Yall are Keith and Maya living in a 3 bedroom apartment in Marrietta, Ga, eating hamburger helper, and trying not to fall asleep before First 48, that's your life. Which is cool, those people in Hollywood can afford to not to get marriage, you my dear cannot.

See what really confuses me are the people who say sh!t like, " I'm just not sure marriage is right for us". But then yall have 6 kids together!!!! Sh!t which one is the bigger commitment? How is someone good enough to have multiple kids with but not good enough to marry? This doesn't make any sense to me. People get divorced everyday, you sign those papers and keep it moving, hell you may never have to see that person again. If yall don't have kids together. But no people are out here playing house. Those aren't dolls you're playing with, they're real children and you can't throw them away when you're done playing house.

For those that say its just a piece of paper or we "spiritually married" like Lauryn Hill has said in the past, that my significant other and God knows my heart, you sir/madame get a O_o. Please get all the way up out there with that bs. That maybe truth in your crazy ass mind and heart, but guess who doesn't know your heart? Your kids, your florist, your mama and just about everybody you know but you know who especially doesn't know your heart? The IRS, social security, he/she retirement fund, and 401K. If your pattern ups and gets hit by a bus and there's no will in place or you're not on he/she's life insurance policies and he/she's mama and them are the beneficiaries. Good luck with using that heart of yours to prove yall were married in court. Just be smart about major life decisions, having 10+ kids with the same man and no ring insight like the damn Lakers this year, is just bad for business.

Is There A Secret To Marriage?

I have you notice that the most people who give you advice about relationships aren't married people? Well I've started to notice it, now I've already gone in on Steve Harvey's a$$ http://therottenpeach.blogspot.com/2011/01/steve-harvey-relationship-expert-im.html but this isn't really about him, Hill Harper, Tyrese or anyone else for that matter. But let me say this I'm gonna need Tyrese to go back to singing, making the fast and the furious part 27 or something because him sitting around on twitter all day telling single women what they need to do or not do. Has to stop right now, its just not cute and I'm gonna need you to go back to your day job. If anyone saw him on the Wendy William's show, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. He was sitting there on that couch just sounding really crazy.

Now let me stop talking about Tyrese and get to my point, while I was watching him on the show I had a thought, why don't married people give out relationship advice? Like seriously I never hear married people talk about relationships, famous couples or not so famous ones they don't dish out advice about relationships. The only time married people start talking about their relationships is if they're having problems other than that their lips are sealed. You don't see Will Smith or Tom Hanks writing books about relationships, Why? I think I know the answer. See married people happily married people know the secret to stay that way, which is. There is no secret except to keep your mouth shut and keep outsiders to a minimum. 

See when a couple is happy there's really no need to go around spewing out advice because they're too busy being happy or marginal happy. When advice is given out especially about relationships people want to know what makes said person an expert. What's their relationship like, how long have they been with their partner? The questions are never ending. Which is why I believe married people don't usually volunteer giving advice about relationships, a lot of the time it just starts to become too invasive. When you have people that are prying in to your personal business/relationship it muddy the waters and most of the time causes unnecessary drama inside of your relationship. So I assume its just easier for them just not to advise people about the inner workings of marriage and just let those who aren't married keep giving out advice, confusing the sh!t out of us single people. 

The Most Annoying Question Ever

"So why are you single?" Ladies and gentlemen what we have here is the most irritating question that anyone can ask me. Why is that the case? Well because when somebody asks you this question its a trap. What they really want to know is, what the hell is wrong with you that nobody wants you? How do you even answer a question like that?

I could tell you I haven't met the right person or maybe I did meet the right person but I wasn't ready to meet him or him me. That the timing wasn't right, I sabotage things for whatever reason, or my dating skills are about as great as Fantasia's reading skills(before her GED). It could be because I live in Atlanta (to those who live here you may know what I mean) the truth lies somewhere in between these things. My usual answer to this question is because I'm not married or because I'm flying above being some man's wife just to say I'm his wife. But my personal favorite answer is "why are you asking ?" This response throws the person off because what they really want you to do is give a synopsis of your dating history so they can judge it and you simultaneously. If that's what you want to do than I suggest you watch an episode of Law and Order, there's a crime committed, a trial takes place and a judgement is handed out all within a hour  and you can judge for yourself if the crime fits the punishment.

See a lot of the time people rush into relationships/marriages because they're tired of being single. They want to bring someone to cousin Mary's wedding because they want to void questions such as the one previously stated or being placed at the singles table. Now that's just a shame, a lot of the time people get married because they've been together forever and marriage is the next logical step. You know I've been told I sometimes live my life like a Disney fairytale and I'm also told that this is unrealistic because we all know life is not like a fairytale. Well I'm just fine with that because if I do get married I want it to be like a fairy tale and believe we'll live happily ever after, because he wanted to marry me and didn't just marry me because he figured I served enough time as his girlfriend. I'm sorry I'll prefer to have my head in the clouds, rather that than the reality of most which is that they're doing a 20- 30 bid and hoping they get paroled any day now.

Marriage, Different Strokes for Different Folks

I'll never forget witnessing an argument between one of my friends and her then boyfriend. I don't remember all the details of the fight, but I do recall him saying this, "We're not white, what I look like getting married at 23?" See, I agreed with what he said back when he said it, I still kinda of agree with it now. But that's not the point of this, the point is why is his statement accepted as the norm in the black community? Its almost a damn fact like the state capital of Georgia is Atlanta.  Most black people don't get married at young ages. See when I graduated from college at the age of 21 I knew 4 white girls that were engaged, want to know how many blacks were in this same boat? I'll tell you... 0. In fact getting married was the last thing on us young black folks minds. Some may say, "Oh black men at that age aren't studding marriage." No it was black girls too. We were worried about grad school, student loans and finding a job. Marriage? What the hell! Who's trying to get married at 21? At that age I was trying not to have to eat ramen noodles again for dinner and more concerned about getting to the bar for 50cent beers. So why was it that my white friends were concerned with wedding cakes, caterers, and seating charts?

I've been thinking about it and I've come up with a few reasons, the first is MONEY. Weddings cost money and if you don't want to have your reception  looking like Pookie's graduation cookout, its gonna cost a significant amount of it. Well a lot of my white friends parents paid for their weddings, they've been saving for that joint since Emily was born. Show of hands if your parents have been saving for your wedding? My hand is down and buried in the sand, I don't know many black folks that have saved for Keisha's wedding. A lot people can't be concerned about what's going to happen 20 years from now, they're worried about today's bills and tomorrow's creditors. You know going to the justice of the peace isn't as popular as you may think, ask the WE network it might as well be called the Wedding channel. Most people want weddings, at the least the first time around and weddings cost money and planning. Two things most 21 year old black folks don't have and aren't that willing to plan for. 

Another thing I came up with is that there's a vast difference in terms of encouragement and support of marriage itself between the races. I've found that in the white community marriage is talked about in positive terms, its just what people do. You meet a person, date them for a year or two then you marry them and have kids, its just the circle of life. You do all this for stability, you know two is better than one. Buying a house is easier to do if you're married, raising kids is easier to do with two people versus just one person. These things are seen and encouraged by white people from an early age, going through life with a partner is just deemed as the smarter choice. These things aren't always encouraged in the black community. What's encouraged goes more in this line of thinking. Get your career started first, buy your own house first, date as much as possible and sow your royal oats. Then settle down when you've done all the things you want to do, after you've partied your life away. The way of thinking between the two communities is just completely different.

See with black folks growing up, a lot kids (especially girls) would hear things from their mamas, grandmas and aunts. Like you don't need a man, men ain't ish, or don't you let no man control you. Well if you hear something long enough you'll start to believe it. A lot of the time black women take the hurt and the pain that men from their past have put them through and just transfer that same hurt and pain to their children. The cycle just continues because their children grow up with the same mistrust and bitterness towards men. Well I'm no genius but I'm pretty sure that believing in this ideology isn't the best way to build a marriage. Women are going around with artillery walls around their hearts and men got them same guns like T.I. trying to bring these walls down. It seems like people are fighting a losing and pointless battle with one another. Who has that kind of time or energy? I don't, I'm not sure about everybody else. I just think that both white and black people can learn something from one another when it comes to marriage. Marriage shouldn't be rushed but I don't think it requires one to go on a long soul-searching journey either.  You may not need to be a totally independent person either, because after all I do believe there's a little codependency that must exist in marriage.

Single People Unite

As you may know its tax season and many people are receiving their W-2 forms. While talking about, filing my taxes a married person made this comment. "It must really suck to be single around this time,  well hell anytime". To that I gave them a serious side-eye, but the more I thought about it the more I realized singlehood is thought about as this sad, depressing and lonely state. Its looked down upon and even rebuked by some. Even the government treats this status like Harriet Tubman's stepchild. If your single (unmarried) and without children, you're paying taxes out the ass, we get no respect!

Now this post isn't about some singlehood anthem or empowerment theme song. No this is about how our counterparts look down at us single folks with a sense of disgust, like turkey a week after Thanksgiving. Well I say no more to this mistreatment! Is it just me, but did people become way more interested in your dating status after you turned 25? The questions about who you're seeing or when you're getting married became more rampant and annoying. It just seems like married people (well truthfully married women) have this elitist attitude towards us singles, "like oh you poor lonely soul one day you'll find the right person". Its like they're going around saying, I's married now all the time.

Boo bye! Look being single whether its by choice or circumstances doesn't warrant pity parties or gross disapproval of one's lifestyle. I don't need to explain or justify why I'm single to anyone. We're not about to have discussion about it, like that scene in Bridget Jones Diary, where she's invited to a dinner party and there's nothing but married people there. Everybody starts going in on her and rattling off statistics about single people over 30 and the likelihood of them getting married. It was just plain torture to watch that part of the movie, I've been in this position before and its awkward as hell.  I just believe that singlehood shouldn't be looked at with such negative connotations and sad feelings. Being married doesn't put you on an elite level there's no caste system going on here, you're married you didn't win the damn lotto. I'm not saying that marriage shouldn't be celebrated, well technically it is celebrated, its called a wedding. But where's the wedding for us singles? We don't get presents for not marrying the wrong person, like so many people do just for the sake of saying they're married. And for that I think we should be congratulated! But married people seriously just remember once upon a time you were single at one point and the statistics also show that you're more than likely to end up that way again.