Tuesday, December 11, 2012

The Break-Up


As you can tell from the title of this post, it's about a break-up.... its about my break-up. This is probably going to be one of the most personal post I have ever written. While not actually going into the details of the demise of this relationship, pointing fingers and trying to figure out what went wrong along the way. Who was wrong or who was right or whom broke up with whom. Just know there was miscommunication, hurt feelings, and misplaced anger. What I want to touch on is actually how I've be dealing with this break-up. Long story short..... not well. I've been so emotional I'm giving Whitney Houston and Carl Thomas a run for their money. There's been sleepless nights, which is how I know this shit is bad because nothing effects my damn sleep pattern. I go to bed around 11 or 12  and wake up at 6am, I never have a problem going to sleep or staying asleep. But here I am like Corrine Bailey Rae and I'm having trouble sleeping. I actually up writing this a 3:35 am..... this isn't me.

I haven't been me in like a week, I feel like I have taken on the life of someone else. Someone who has been listen to Mary J Blige's My Life CD on repeat for days on end. This past weekend I barely left my house. I spent hours laying on my bedroom floor listening to Sade, Carole King, and Melanie Fiona just looking at the ceiling and crying at times. Btw there's a lot of depressing ass music out there. Especially Solange's True EP, I think I have been come a fan of hers because track Somethings seem to never fucking work stayed on repeat..... who knew. I somehow seemed to find everyone of these songs. Especially Solange's True EP and add them to a playlist on Spotify  and titled it another sad love song. My diet consisted of potato chips, cake, and several bottles of red wine. Yes, I decided to become the definition of 808's and Heartbreaks and become a part-time resident of Heartbreak hotel. I do believe that this past weekend was one of the most depressing ones of my life. On Sunday night I tried my best to get my Brain McKnight on and give this thing One Last Cry. That was a fail because on Monday morning I still felt the same way. Did I have this or am I still having this mental collapse on purpose? I really have know fucking clue. 

What I do know is that, part of the reason I'm on Adele/Drake level of being into my feelings. Is that I have really shared this break-up or feelings of lost with anyone not my friends here in Chicago or back home. I'm basically doing what Mariah Carey said in Breakdown. 
Friends ask me how I feel
And I lie convincingly
Cause I don't want to reveal
The fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise
Till I go home at night
And turn down all the lights
And then I break down and cry.

Yup that's exactly what I'm doing..... I'm suffering in silence because we all know real G's move in silence. Well I guess I won't be when people read this but why am I choosing to go through this alone?... idk. Maybe because I'm stubborn, prideful, or I just don't want folks to know how far gone I got of over a boy. How caught up in the rapture I got with him or just explaining what did or didn't happen between us. This is basically being prideful. Think I said this before on this blog but I don't get serious with guys a lot. I'll date a guy and before it gets too serious I'll let shit fall apart. I never allow myself to really get to into a guy. Yeah I may like a guy but I'll like him like I like pizza. Meaning that I like pizza but I don't need pizza in my life everyday, it's not a necessity like red wine. It's my defense mechanism, its my way of keeping men from getting to close and from me getting hurt. 

Welp I kind liked this guy like red wine and not pizza this time around and now I'm feeling like Carrie did when Big left her at the alter in Sex and The City. You remember how crazy she looked after that.... yeah that's been me for the past few days


So now I feel like an idiot and I'm just not ready to show anyone that side of me right now.... not even my Mama. I just want to sit around and watch Law and Order marathons and drink myself into 2013. Not that I think anyone of my friends would judge me or not be supportive..... I'm just going through the motions and right I don't want to drag anyone else into. I know that break-ups are apart of life, they happen to everyone at some point and feeling the way I have been for the past couple days is okay. It happens to even the best of us but I'm not okay feeling this way. So dear friends if I'm even more sporadic on this blog, this is why I'm way too deep into my feelings right now. I know I'll be okay eventually but it just won't be today.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Who Raised You?

As I was trolling the internet last week, I came across a blog post that I'm too lazy to find and link but I believe it was at  http://www.abelleinbrooklyn.com/. The post was about Jada Pinkett and her snap back session she gave on facebook about the criticism she and Will Smith have been receiving about their daughter Willow's Hair and image. If you aren't familiar about this situation, the gist is basically the Blacks as I call them have going in and letting have on Jada and Will about Willow and her behavior. This criticism went to level 10 when Willow shaved her head last year or earlier this year, I can't remember when she did it. People were going in on them because Willow shaved her head and her parents allowed this to happen. Jada's defense was basically that its just hair and her daughter's beauty isn't determined by the length of her hair and that people have to stop holding onto this European idea of what is beauty. The post basically cosigned what Jada said and I do to about what people's image of beauty is or isn't.

I mean when Willow shaved her head, the blacks went on attack. The outrage was pretty damn bad, the comments ranged from why, to she looked like an alien, to she was on her way to getting a starring role on The L-word ten years from now, Will and Jada were horrible parents and everything else in between. Now really didn't see what the big deal was when she shaved her head and how her doing that made Will and Jada worst parents than Casey Anthony and Joe Jackson. I shaved my head when I was her age, not by choice. I fought tooth and nail about shaving my hair but I was in boarding school in Nigeria and we had to shave our hair. In fact that's a common thing for young girls over there, why? It's easier to maintain and it is/was. I would put some Pink Oil Moisturizer (this was before I found out that shit was like putting WD-40 in your head) and brush it and go about my day. I learned at an early age hair is just hair, when I was crying in that chair as my hair fell to the floor; my dad told me it was just hair and it would grow back and I was still beautiful with or without it. But at the time I wasn't trying to hear that shit, all I could think about was the hair falling to the ground from my head. I get it now..... it's just hair and it did grow back. So I totally understand where Jada is coming from, she's practicing what India Arie was preaching in I am not my hair, as she should and we all should.

However, I think some of the critics of Will and Jada's parenting skills isn't coming from what this post or I just said about hair determining what's beautiful. Now I'm playing devil's advocate here, I think some of the criticism Will and Jada get is coming from Willow at times just being the most or what some deem not age appropriate. We are talking about a 12 year old girl here and some are saying the things she's doing aren't what 6th graders should be doing. I'm inclined to agree with this to a certain point. Now I'm nobody's parent but if my 12 y/o child told me she wanted to shaved her head, I would let her. Where I would give her that bitch please face is if she wanted to dye her hair every color under the rainbow, why? Because she's 12 not 18. I while back Willow took a picture with what I believe was a fake tongue ring. Real or fake if I did that at 12 I won't have tongue  to put a ring in because my mama would've promptly snatched my tongue with the ring in out of my mouth. I would probably do the same thing if my 12 y/o did some shit like that. When I was that age my mom didn't let me do certain things, like get piercings, wear a face full of makeup, clothing that a 12y/o shouldn't wear eg. booty shorts. Now I wanted to some of those things because that's what others were doing  and I thought my mama was being a hater. I see now she's wasn't a hater, she was a parent. A 12 y/o can't do the same shit a 18 y/o can do and this is what I think some people have a beef with Will and Jada is about.

I'm not in their household and how they choose to raise their kids is nobody's business but their own. People shouldn't model how they choose to raise their kids based on others. Nevertheless, I don't think people's gripe with Will, Jada, and Willow is about whipping hair back and forth hair, tongue rings, being a free spirit or Willow giving us her best  Annie Hall impression . It's not so cut and dry. I see no problem with let your child express themselves in a way they feel comfortable but at the same time they're kids and they just can't do whatever they want because that's what they want to do. In looking back on my childhood my parents didn't let me do certain things because they weren't age appropriate. The way some people raise their kids are different from other. My parents logic in not letting me do the shit I wanted to do was that wearing makeup and certain clothing  made look too old for my age at that time. Those types of things bring along with it a certain type of attention...... Being 12 and dressing like you're 18-19 brings the attention a 18-19 girl gets and at 12 that type of attention isn't needed. At 12 I didn't need to concern myself with those types of things. So I guess my mom was trying to prevent me from ending up on 16 and pregnant. I see some of these kids today, and I'm not talking about just Willow or any celeb kids now. Some of these kids are just out of fucking control, they are some of the some disrespectful, mannish, and ill-mannered creatures on this Earth and I can't deal. If I ever had a child and she/he behaved like some of these kids I see in street.... well get a jail cell ready for me because I'm going to beat the living shit out of that kid. It just makes you think you the fucked raised you?? There's a fine line between being a parent and being your kid's friend, a lot of today's parents have friends they can claim on their taxes.