Got 2B Real: The Latest



I know I've talked about this web parody before on the blog......but damnit these videos are hilarious. I promise it’s funnier than ANYTHING you're currently watching on television, unless you're watching old episodes of Martin from Season 1-4, that last season without Gina was just weird. I watched this morning before work and I cried real tears laughing at this. Between Fantasia making up her own words like "rudity" and Beyonce telling her "Fantasia I could give you two magnets and you STILL couldn't make ends meet!" Jesus..... I was dying laughing at this. The video above is the latest episode of Got 2B Real, and the shade that's being thrown in it!!!! Rihanna's umbrella from 2007 couldn't even help.

Just The Lonely Talking Again

So I was online looking at this blog post about Kim Kardashian and her whole family being on Oprah's Next Chapter. Man some folks are just outraged that Queen Oprah would have Kim K on her show, due to the fact that they view her as trash. I mean Oprah has got to do sometime to help those horrible ass ratings on her struggling network, those ratings are about as low as Fantasia's SAT score before she got a tutor. Anyway this post isn't a drag race post about Kim K or her antics. Its about one the comments someone made on this particular blog. I'm paraphrasing here but they basically said something about the fact ever since Kim first got her claim to fame by mediocrity slobbing on Ray J's knob, she's always been dating somebody. There's always a man in her life and I guess until someone wrote in black and white, I hadn't really paid attention to this and now that I really think about its kinda true. Well at least what she portrays to the public. The commenter when on to say she never really takes time to herself after her relationships fail because she's to busy trying to find another black penis or mulatto one to takes their place. Listen I'm not going to sit here and go through the Ghost of Boyfriends Past of Kim K. But her recent boyfriend Kanye West of 2-3 months comes months after her filing for divorce from Kris Humphries (who she's still married to) someone would say she jumps from one relationship to the next too fast. Which is why most of her relationships crash and burn because she doesn't give herself anytime to heal or whatever the fuck from the last relationship. Ummmm that may or may not be true, I'm not Kim K so I don't know what goes in that vapid mind of hers.

However what I do know is that there are women and men out there who just don't know how to make it on their own and do things Mary Tyler Moore style. They just can't be without a boyfriend/girlfriend. I'm not saying Kim K is one of these types of people but I do know people like this. There are some folks out here that rather have a piece of shit rather than a whole piece of nothing. They  just have to have a man or woman, they breakup with someone on Monday and are in the club Friday night trying to get a replacement. They're not even out here trying to casual date/fuck someone for the sole purpose of just doing it. No these people are meeting people on Friday night and trying to take them to Big Mama's house on Sunday for dinner and telling folks this is my new boo. The fuck??? The idea of being by themselves shakes them to their core, coming home to an empty house makes them want to jump off a short bridge. These are usually the same people that stay in these shitty ass relationships, where their boo is one transgression away from making them be on a future episode of Snapped. Why? Because the thought of not having man or woman is WAY worst then their current fucked up relationship. They live by the motto something is better than nothing. It's the loneliness that they really fear. The not having a date to their cousin's wedding, the getting into an empty bed at night, not having home base dick/box scares the living shit out of them. I get it..... everyone wants that one "special person" in their lives but where I have to get off the train is what some people deem as that special person.

If your special person makes you cry more than laugh, they may not be that special person. If you rather watch a marathon of Mr. Belvedere or Full House than to deal with their ass on a regular basis, they may not be the special person for you. If you can remember the last time that person did anything nice for you since your annual pap smear of 2010, well they may not be that special person of which you speak. If your friends are coming at you like the first minute of What Have You done For Me Lately by Janet Jackson, maybe that person needs to become somebody that you use to know. I'm just saying holding on to someone, who you don't even like half of the time is just foolish and kinda unhealthily. Look at DMX's wife this woman has been through the gates of hell with this man. Drug addiction, like 3 outside babies, groupies, and the way he was talking to her on the Couple's Therapy show..... Sweet Jesus of Nazareth. All for what?? To be a ride or die chick??? I understand that for some divorce isn't an option (although she recently filed for divorce) but if its getting to the point where you looking like Angela Bassett in the first 30 minutes of Waiting To Exhale and playing Mary J. Blige's My Life album every night. I have nothing but peace and blessings for you because you clearly need it. Fear of being alone shouldn't be you motivation for keeping a shit show of a relationship together. Being alone doesn't equal lonely just remember that and as the late and great Whitney Houston said it best, it's just the lonely talking again.     

Broken Bottles and Broken Hearts

By now I think we’ve all heard about the bottle scattered across the world, so if you haven’t been living under a rock for the past few days. I am sure you’ve heard that Lite Ike/Chris Brown and Drake got into a brawl at a New York nightclub The Broken Bottle Heard Around The World.. This fight is presumably over Rihanna….. smh. Now this love triangle between these three has definitely taken a turn for the worst and shit since Meek Mill was there the triangle has turned into a damn square as he’s been linked to Rihanna too. From the reports and blogs I’ve read it seems like Drake was the aggressor in this incident, although he has totally denied any involvement in the brawl…. Yeah okay O_o. Talking about he was walking out when the fight broke out, yeah fucking right. Look I like Drake and all but I have to call bitchassness when I see bitchassness.

From the reports Chris Brown and his crew were in the club partying and bullshit ion VIP, Juelz Santana was doing the same thing with his people in a different section with his people and I believe Meek Mill was already there. Drake comes to the Juelz’s section and immediately gets his panties in a bunch seeing that Chris Brown was there. Chris apparently was acting like a wild banshee and throwing the middle finger in the air and whatnot. Drake was getting more and more into his feelings and keeps saying “I don’t like that n*gga”. Chris may or may not have sent over a bottle to Drake. Drake may or may not have sent the bottle back saying  something to the effect of “I fucked the love of your life, so get over it”, referring to Rihanna. Then Drake gets super pissed when his song comes on and Chris Brown and friends stop dancing. Yeah this shit turns into a ghetto version of Step Up 2: The Streets, just ratchet smh. He then gets his crew amped all the way up. So in solidarity for their Crew Love began to get their Basketball Wives on and throw everything in sight. Bottles, chairs, tables, ice, weave, ashes, their integrity, and just every damn thing. That’s the tea but here’s the shade, so just as shit got real Drake exits stage left but not before Juelz Santana cusses him out from head to toe. There you have it ladies and gentlemen grown ass men throwing everything but punches in the club…. Fucking ridiculous! Apparently Chris Brown has been co-operating with the police and has evidence that Drake/ Wheel chair Jimmy did indeed start the fight. That left him, his girlfriend Karaoke (whatever that girl name is), bodyguard, and several other party goers bloody and bruise. This fight was indeed over Rihanna…… and I have so many thoughts about the situation, so let me try to gather them.

1) The bitchcassness- A friend once said to me these “n*ggas are the new bitches”. I couldn’t agree more!!! How are two of the “softest” dudes in the game fighting? I’m not gonna put this on Chris Brown this time…. This is clearly  Drake’s doing, but I’m sure the media well somehow make this Chris’s fault because we all know him Kanye and Michael Vick are the most hated people in America. Like forever real, dudes are throwing bottles ?? Acting like girls mentioned in the above song.  So this is what we’re doing in 2012? Throwing bottles like a mob or basketball wife, okay cool. Drake has really been into his mutha fucking feelings lately. That Pusha T diss about Drake and Lil’ Wayne has really set him the fuck off ( Exodus 23:1.) This dude who is about as hard as a Pillow Person, is now instigating bar brawls….. I just don’t understand? This is the same person who perhaps put out one of the most emotional songs Marvin’s Room, since Lenny Williams Cause I Love You. Is now in the club wildin’ the fuck out because he doesn’t like someone? I guess he’s really trying to be about that YOLO life. Drake sweetie pie some advice, Take a long bath and have some Jasmine tea and reflect about some things  going on in your life, because dude you’re about five seconds from going to jail and you sir are definitely not about that prison life. You would get dragged around the cell block like Linus from Charlie Brown blanket, you better not listen to these Young Money fools. Seriously, you better stick to what you know singing Sade songs at concerts and getting Aaliyah tattoos. Jesus I miss Poppin’ Chris Brown and The Best I Ever Had Drake because these new version of themselves, just won't do.  

2) Light- skin dudes will never prosper- If you aren’t aware in the black community light-skin men haven’t been the men of choice since the late 80s/early 90s. The death of light-skin dudes  pretty much came in New Jack City, when Wesley Snipes stabbed Christopher Williams in the hand and said “I never liked you anyway you pretty muthafucker”. So since then light-skin men haven’t been that popular. In all black cinema since dark-skin actors have had shit on lock, Taye Diggs, Morris Chestnut, Idris Elba, Lance Gross, and the list goes on.  So for the past 20 or so years light-skin men have been trying to re-claim their spotlight…. Because in the 80s they were all the rage(ask Al B. Sure all about it); they’ve taken some small steps to get back to their glory days with people like Michael Ealy, Barack Obama, Chris Brown (in he’s Run It phase),and some may say Drake. But now these two yellowcakes are in the club throwing bottles and shit, the Great White Hope comeback has been delayed for at least another 10 years. By the stunts and shows these two light-skin queens put on the other night.

3) Rihanna- Girl it’s not even your Birthday!! This girl might just be the Helen of Troy of this generation. This girl p*ssy must be laid with gold and tell you how to get to Sesame Street. Like for real these fools have been going back and forth more than Aaliyah about her.They've talked about her in songs….. I believe half those songs on Drake's Take Care about her, on twitter… subtweeting shit about her. Chris Brown in taking n*ggas off of songs because they may or may not have slept with his EX-GIRLFRIEND, cc: Meek Mill. These dudes are literally driving their selves crazy!! These guys are out here on some medieval times dueling for the hand of the fair princess shit. Think about it. They’re out right writing songs or poetry about her as if this was the 1700s, starting wars and jousting on horses/ throwing bottles for her. What another girl has dudes out here moving mountains for them? I sure don’t!! She needs to teach a class, write a book, or something because she’s like the Great and Powerful OZ and I need to be put up on some game. She has these dudes bleeding love, glitter, and pixie dust… smh. Meanwhile she’s simply unbothered by these men antics….. like I’m pretty sure when she heard about this shit. She was in an expensive ass hotel room rolling blunts on her security’s head and giving zero fucks about the situation. The only one that won this fight was her. While they were leaving blood on the dance floor. This chick was somewhere patting her p*ssy/goldenbox, feeling like Marie Antoinette and letting them eat cake.

Chuck E. Cheese's And An Epiphany

Recently there's been an addition to my family.... I have a new nephew. Well my only nephew or niece to be exact but this post isn't about how adorable my nephew is, which he is. I was just thinking about how when people become parents, they at times become inconsiderate and down right rude to people that don't have kids. People with kids always make it seem like those without kids are just down right selfish and don't have their priorities straight....well I'm here to tell you,  a lot of the time its the other way around.

The above clip is an example of what the hell I'm talking about. In this episode of Friends, it's Ross's and Rachel/'s daughter's Emma's birthday. She's turning one and all of Ross's and Rachel's friends are at the party, expect that they all have something else to do and can't stay for the whole party but Rachel insists that everyone stays for the whole party, even though Emma is asleep for 85% of the party. WTF?? Now I've been in situations similar to this one from Friends. I was invited to a one year old's birthday party at 12:00pm on a Saturday and the parents insisted that everyone be there on time. First why are kids birthday parties always so damn early? Like this party couldn't have been at 3:00pm??? I'm just saying tho.  I know children can't be up all late and have sleep schedules and whatnot but Noon on a Saturday, really??? Y'all know what people are doing at noon on a Saturday.....sleeping, recovering from a hangover, at the gym, cleaning, studying, having sex but not going to kid's birthday party. Now this party was at none other than hell on Earth Chuck E. Cheese's... if you don't have kids and you sometimes forgot about using some type of protection while having sex. Take your ass to Check E. Cheese's on a Saturday afternoon..... you'll NEVER forget that shit again. So here I am at this kid's Birthday party, hung over and with 600 20 kids geeked up on pizza and cookies. I could have died right then and there. I get to this party and of course the kid is asleep *eyeroll*, me and one other person are the only people with no kids and we're sitting there like wtf. After all the introductions had been made, what do the parents of this kid do? Put me and the other childless person to work.... I mean wrangling kids out of moon bounces, cutting cake, take kids to the bathroom....... I started to think what the hell did this heffa just bamboozle us into being the nanny for like two hours? Like for real those parents just disappeared when we showed up..... I think they were going outside to the back and having white wine breaks or something. Honestly that day at Chuck E. Cheese's was one of the most annoying days of my life, and it just really got me to thinking.

First if a person without kids doesn't want to come to your kid's party (and this kid isn't related to them or they aren't the Godparent) and just send a gift , what's the problem with that? These parents are out here making it mandatory to come to their kid's parties. Me or any other childless person no coming to these Dora The Explore parties, doesn't make us bad people or selfish.... it means that the kid is not our son and we have better things to do. Especially if the kid is under the age of five, that boy or girl isn't gonna be fazed that your college roommate, co-worker, shampoo girl or whatever didn't show up to their 2nd Birthday party.  People that don't have kids shouldn't obliged to go to children parties just because their friends have kids. People with kids always have a way of making their childless friends feel shitty about not spending time with them or their kids. They say shit like "We never hangout anymore, is it because I have kids now?" or "______ really wants to see they're auntie/uncle". But my all time favorite one is "you would understand if you had kids". Blankstare I would understand what? Your constant need to remind me you have kids and "real responsibilities now". Well I have responsibilities too; Mr. Rent, Miss Car note ,and Madame Student loans. Having a kid doesn't make your properties anymore important than mine, they're just different now.

People with kids at times are the kings and queens guilt tripping folks about they're life choices. Damn near shaming you for not wanting to spend time with their kid and spending time doing the shit you like to do, to the point that they miss the key words THEIR KID not YOUR KID. If I don't want to come over to your house everyday to shoot the shit with you in the kitchen drinking Arbor Mist, while your kid watches Blue's Clues in the other room. Don't come at me with that you're selfish shit because the same thing can be said about you boo.Why don't you get a babysitter so you can go out and do things with your childless friends. You know that deep down inside you're not feeling Blue's Clues either but you have no choice in the matter, I on the other hand do and I choose no Blue's Clues. The moral of the story is people with kids don't make the people in your lives without kids feel like shit because they don't want to spend every waking minute with your kid. That's your child not your bff's, mom's, dad's, sister's, or gas station attendant's kid. Oh and stop demanding   inviting  us to your kid's party that last 5-8 hours without any adult beverages being severed, that's not hot on the streets.

Lauryn Hill: A Timeout Is Needed

Lauryn Noelle Hill girl a discussion needs to happen, we need to have a seat, take a knee, a timeout, or something girl because this shit has gotten fucking ridiculous. First let's talk about your Uncle Sam/tax issues, here's a link to those that aren't familiar with the situation Lauryn Hill doesn't want to pay taxes. Our friend and former leader of revolution (what this revolution is all about, I'm not exactly sure) hasn't paid her taxes in like three years O_o..... why? Well according to her, she withdrew from society because of a variety of reasons. The injustices of the world, her children, the depleting ozone layer, the rent is too damn high, whatever the fuck homegirl decided to go underground. Since she was underground and not a "functioning" member of society she should be excused from paying taxes. She explained all this to the IRS but they weren't buying that shit she was selling. She has a court date at the end of the month and faces a $100,000 fine and one year in jail.....so there's that.  Let's get one thing straight this is the United States of America... everybody pays taxes that works in this country. Idk what they do in whatever world; this chicks mind is a resident in but in this country if you collect a check taxes must be paid. Girl you know this!!! Don't act like this is some new shit because its not, if the President pays taxes what the hell makes you think you don't have to? You can go underground, take the underground railroad to Kalamazoo, and then go under the sea like Ariel but if you collect any type of check you MUST pay taxes. You weren't too withdrawn from society to pop up at random concerts dressed like a hobo, and give people a few lines of Killing Me Softly and Ready or Not. You got checks for that.... did you not think taxes should be taken out? The IRS isn't here for your excuses of withdrawing from society, they are here for their money that's it. You don't pay you will go to jail, do not collect $200 or pass go. Think I'm wrong well ask Wesley Snipes, he knows all about it. Hey maybe y'all can be jail pen pals and y'all can work on writing Blade 24.87 or Murder at Cellblock 1700 because that's what happens to people that don't pay taxes for whatever reasons. This Marley penis must be a Killer.... because she has clearly lost it with this one.

Speaking of Marley penises..... Lauryn's baby daddy Rohan Marley recently got engaged to Isabeli Bergossi Fontana, notice I didn't say Lauryn Noelle Hill. The man she's been with since about 1996 and has five kids with (its not clear if the sixth kid is his child), they have called each other spiritual husband and wife for years but that means absolutely nothing at the end of the day. Just like her "I withdrew from society", so no taxes for me explanation means shit. Look I don't know the particulars of Lauryn and Marley's relationship but for you to be with someone for over 10 years and have 5-6 kids together and the other party ups and gets engaged to another person, it makes one wonder. WTH?? Now some people were outraged, saying how could Rohan do this to Lauryn she gave up here career for him and this is how he re-pays her? I do believe that these people are reaching for stars and stripes with such statements. The reality is no one knows what happened between them. Lauryn may have broken up with him, maybe that last kid is someone else's and Rohan didn't want to raise someone else's kid, who the fuck knows. I do know this though Rohn is probably not the reason why The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill 2 has never dropped. That burden is carried by Ms. Hill only..... why did she turn her back on the music industry? Her kids, the pressures of fame, the anxiety of creating another classic, her dreads wouldn't grew any longer. The real reasons will probably never really be known. I just don't think placing blame at Rohan's feet as to why one of the greatest female artist this generation has seen decided to become the phantom of Hip-Hop is fair. 


Just as I think getting all pissed off that this man decided to get married to someone else is a little hasty. I mean I get it Lauryn has with him for years and five kids with him, so I guess logically she should be marrying him... she put in all the work but didn't reap the reward. But has anyone thought about it this way, she did all that but still came up short, why? How come this man didn't want to marry this woman after all that? The only thing I can come up with is because he didn't want to. Maybe the saying is right why buy the cow when you get the milk free rings true in this case. Is that what happened between these two or may be not or may be not? All I know is that I hope Lauryn can get back to being L-Boggie and get her mind right. Come out with some new music and not that Unplugged shit she was trying it with a few years back, because that she can keep. So until then Lauryn pay you taxes, stay out of Jail... girl you have 6 kids get it together, I'm gonna go listen to Lost One's and hope for the best. 

Summer, Summer, Summertime

Well once again boys and girls it's almost that magical time of the year it's SUMMERTIME BITCHES!!! So again I think its imperative that we go over some rules for the summer, as I did last year Because Its Summertime. So here we go.......

1) Tanning- Listen people we may have to break this down by ethnic groups but here we go. People of Caucasian descent please skin burn is real and so is skin cancer, sunscreen is needed at all times. I understand that during the colder months that you may not get the sun you so desperately seek so that as soon as it hits 70 degrees you're outside sunbathing..... I get looking like Casper the Ghost is NOT what's up but looking like this trick isn't neither. Black people just because we're black and have melanin in our skin doesn't mean we shouldn't be using sunscreen skin cancer is real in the battlefield.

2) Bathing Suits- I'm not my ideal weight and I haven't gone to Weight watchers to get my Jennifer Hudson on, really the girl is small as hell now kudos to her. I'm going to wear the correct size swimming suit and not my dream size swimming suit because I'm not that dam delusional.  Some of y'all are out here being a smooth ass size 16 trying to get into a size a 4 bathing suit, ummmmm no madam that's not gonna work. If you didn't get to your special K diet back in January and started on May 1st your ass just may have missed the boat, and that's okay buy and wear your size or cover ups.... its okay. Try again for next summer, shit that's what I'm gonna do size 6 here I come.

3) Swimming Pools- So as I was talking about bathing suits in the previous point..... some of y'all please go buy one point blank period. I've gone to many swimming pools and beaches and have seen too many grown ass people going to these places in in their underwear. Yes, grown woman in bra and panties at the pool and grown men in boxer briefs like they're swimming attire (penises swinging like bats)  like that's what's hot.... well newsflash it isn't. No person that has gone through puberty should be at the pool/beach in undergarments... its just tacky!!! Take your ass to Wal-Mart and get a $20 swimming suit and call it a day. No country for people that swim in their Fruit of the Looms, get the fuck out of here with that. Also people please don't pee in the pool, chlorine or no chlorine that's just nasty!!!

4) Air Conditioner- People with your going to have people at your house or have your cut buddy come through for the late night creep, PLEASE have working AC. Ain't nothing worst than going over someone's house and they have no AC. It's literally the fucking worst thing in life. Please get that shit under control before you invite people over, I don't care how many fans you have  in your house, that shit could be like a windmill factory its not gonna make up for AC. 

5) Day Drinking- This includes day parties, brunches with endless mimosas, happy hours, just what ever the fuck else. I have fallen victim to a few (okay several) endless mimosas brunches myself and these shits will ruin your life. Like real talk no flex drinking during the day will have you drunk as a bitch at 2:00pm on a Sunday.... looking like Lady Gaga, where are my keys? I lost my phone. I've literally gone to endless mimosas brunch at 11:00am and woke up at the end of True Blood (8:55pm) and had no idea how I got home. Now maybe this is an admission that I'm somewhat of a slush, but hell y'all knew that already but I choose to believe and blame it on mimosas and french toast. Listen folks school/work isn't out for summer for us ( well maybe it is if your a teacher or something), drinking like its Friday night on Sunday/Saturday morning or afternoon will have your ass out for the count. I know of what I speak. Drink responsibility....... because it's summertime.