My Funny Valentine

It’s the beginning of February and it’s that time of year again…. The time where people have already given up on their New Year’s Resolution to lose weight, the good treadmill at the gym is free and clear again. It’s also that dreaded time of year as well VALENTINE’S DAY!!! For some it’s a national reminder that you’re alone Bitch..... (notice I said alone and not lonely, the two are very different). If you’re in a relationship it could be dreaded as well too but I wouldn’t know much about that. So for us single folks, what’s the real issue about Valentine’s Day??

I thought about it and I realized that 90% of single people aren’t really single…. Meaning that we aren’t totally and completely without some type of romantic companionship. There’s somebody lurking in the background, the problem is we can’t claim them to be totally and completely ours (that could be our choice or their's) or we just don’t know what the hell is going on between us, The Gray Area is in full force. That’s the problem, there’s somebody but we don’t know if they’re really our somebody. That's what gets some peoples panties in a bunch about Valentine's Day. That can be because we fucking/dating somebody else’s man/woman, it’s just a friends with benefit situation, you just started dating this person on January 1^st, this person is your ex and they keep coming back for more, you’re in a Grey Area with someone, you’re playing  LL Cool J in Hey Lover and that person  is more than a crush, this person is alright but you know they ain’t the one, or you’re in a secret relationship with someone that looks like Flavor Flav.  Whatever the case is there’s someone in your life but you can’t exactly change your relationship status on Facebook from single to in a relationship because of the above mentioned things going on between yall. I think this is where all this hatred and fuck Valentine’s Day comes from. It’s like baking a cake you  to have all the ingredients to bake the cake and then you realize you don’t have any icing, sure you can still bake the cake. It will still have the basics for you to call it a cake but without the icing what’s the fucking point?? It’s just sweet bread and who the hell wants that?

That’s what Valentine’s Day is to some single people, and reminder that they have a damn cake without any icing, sweet fucking bread. It’s like bring your basic ass cake to a bake sell, all the cakes with icing are going to get gone real quick. While you’re dry ass cake is going to be sitting there until Easter Sunday. Valentine’s Day is the day like the Price is Right showcase for cakes, so if you’re cake is without icing you’re going to feel like Miss Congeniality and the Miss America Pageant. Hell for some people it’s the day they learn that what they thought was a cake with butter cream icing, is basic ass sweet bread. 

There’s no greeting cards for whatever situation you’re going through, Brandy said it best Almost Doesn’t Count. Your taken boo thing isn’t going to take you on a helicopter ride over New York City because you’re Girlfriend number two, ask Olivia Pope about that. Your fuck buddy isn’t going to sending you flowers at work; he’s sending you his dick in a box. The guy that isn’t quite ready for a relationship isn’t buying you jewelry from Kay Jewelers because if he can’t commit to dinner and movie on Friday night, he damn sure isn’t committing to $399 on a bracelet. But believe it or not every kiss doesn't begin with Kay. Yeah it sucks that while all the other girls are going to the grand ball your ass is at home scrubbing floors like Cinderella.   

We’ve all been there, I’ve been there. Hell some of us (me included) are there now but what I’m not going to do is let Valentine’s Day get me Angela Basset in Waiting to Exhale crazy. I’m not going to side-eye the fuck out of my coworkers that get flowers that day because my desk is as empty as a former Real Housewives of Atlanta bank account, ( Sheree I’m looking at you and that Forest Preserve you call your house). I’m not going to go home and drink a box of wine and eat a gallon of ice cream. Nope I’m not going to do it because it’s not going to solve my problem. Hating on others joy is just….. well exhausting and I ain’t got time for that. Some of yall need to get that hate out of your system.

See, I forgot and a lot of people forget this one simple thing along the way of dating. “I’m good with it just me”. I’m okay with being by myself, so that when I get caught up in these gray area relationships I find myself in at times. I know that I’m happy with myself and this other person is just along for the ride and if they’re making this royal cruise ship feel like the Titanic, well their ass has go before  that iceberg gets hit.  People you have to remember that what’s for you will be for you, you can’t plot and plan your love life according to others. Valentine’s Day is just that a day, and who says your Valentine’s Day has to be February 14^th??? Maybe yours is May 1^st or November 26^th, so don’t drive yourself crazy because the 14^th of this month isn’t going to be candlelight and sex in the champagne room. There’s still 364 days until the next Valentine’s Day for all that.

What Means The World To You

You know for some people certain things take top priority while in a relationship but I ain't here to talk about that today. I want to talk about those things that aren't a priority to me while in a relationship. The shit some may flip the fuck out about if their boo did or didn't these things. While for me these things are just the icing on the cake.... what some people fell to realize is that the cake itself is the most important thing. So with out further adieu, here's a list of things that I don't give two hot damns about while in a relationship

1) Strip Clubs- I have a friend that was damn near in tears when she found out her man went the strip club and I just couldn't give her the sympathy she seeked from me at that moment in time. I was just sitting thinking what the hell is the big deal? He went to look at some girls shake their ass and titties... big whoop. If she would've told me he went to some type of Magic Mike strip club...well Houston, Dallas, and San Antonio we have a problem. Honestly you can't even inappropriately touch those girls without some Debo looking ass dude coming to damn near break your arm if you get too close. Also they don't even get butt ass naked in a lot of the strip clubs north of the Mason-Dixon Line. Maybe it’s the Atlanta in me but strip clubs don't bother me, I have been in enough to see what goes on there and I don't care. Now if these fools are going to the strip club on their lunch breaks and spending rent money on some fake ass Buffy the Body... well then that's another story.


2) Porn- Well it kinda falls into the same category as the strip club. I really don't give a damn about him whacking off some Lacey Duvalle flick.... now if its Mr. Marcus and some other man. Then that's a damn problem. I don't expect him to stop looking at porn and pleasuring himself, just because he's with me now. Hell he's been doing that since he was 12, he's just suppose to stop because he's has a more available box now? Yeah he's not going to stop. Some women think that they should be enough and he should have or want to do it anymore. Well do you need to need to eat, sleep, and piss... well then he needs to masturbate. His need to whack off more than likely has nothing to do with you, even if y'all have a healthy sex life....he's still going to need to let some steam off by himself. It just is what it is and I'm find with that, as long as he doesn't use my good towels.

3) Calling/texting- I maybe a different type of girl but I don't need my bf calling/texting me all the damn time. I'm not the busiest woman in the world by no means... but I do have a life. I don't feel the need to call/text my man or have him do the same thing all the time. This isn't the real life version of Save by the Bell, I don't have to know what you ate for damn lunch, or that the new intern spilt coffee on you tie. Just like he doesn't need to know me and my coworker spent 30 minutes talking about who should play Christian Grey from 50 Shades of Grey. All that extra shit isn't need, as long as I know you're okay, safe, and your day is going decently, I'm good. I don't need to be all up in my phone like I'm Kelly Kapowski and your Zack Morris…. dude I have a job and you do to (or we wouldn't be dating). If I'm always talking to my bf on the phone or texting him, what the hell are we going to talk about when we see each other? The phases of the moon... I already talk to 5-6 people on the phone regularly everyday.... and at this time I can't add someone else to the rotation. I don't need as Trey Songz would say, a LOL smilely face dude at this moment in time.

4) Going out-Look I've never been a homebody, it’s out of circumstance that I'm force to be in my house a lot more than I like to be right now. With that being said I'm not exactly a Lindsay Lohan circa 2009 party girl, smoking meth and getting kicked out of bars but I am most definitely a girl that enjoys the nightlife or day life at that. So what kind of hypocrite would I be if every time my man goes out I give him this face? I'm not going to trip if he wants to hang out with his friends because I'm more than likely out with mine somewhere. I'm really not going to be concern if he likes hanging out in bars in Boston or anywhere else for that matter, where everyone knows his name. If I trust him there's no need to be steam pressed about him going out, if I don't trust well then maybe I shouldn't be dating him in the first place. 


5) What his friends/family thinks about me- Now it would be ideal if they liked me and we all got along like a cute little episode of Full House but it’s not necessary. I’m dating him not his crew. I had to learn that, hey not everybody is going to like. For whatever the hell reason and that's cool. This isn't high school and I'm not here to get your vote for prom queen. Its okay not to like people but it’s not okay to disrespect people. His people don't have to like me and vice a versa but we do have to respect each other. Now if the respect isn't there; well that's when shit gets tricky and something has got to give. Because I'll be damn if I go to his family cookout and they're serving me BBQ wings from Winn- Dixie and drinks with Everclear Vodka in it. But mean well back at the ranch they're eating BBQ chicken from Whole Foods and drinking Ciroc.... absolutely not!! 

Friends With Benefits

Let’s talk about SEX baby….. okay well let’s talk about friends with benefits (FWB). I was actually watching the movie FWB the other day, it’s not a horrible movie but it’s no Dirty Dancing either. I just wish Justin Timberlake would just drop another album and stop making this mediocre romantic comedies, dude you ain’t the second coming of Richard Gere. Just stick with music, tell me FutureSex/LoveSounds doesn’t blow any R&B album that dropped this year out of the water? Anyway if you haven’t seen the movie spoiler alert: Justin Timberlake’s character (Dylan) meets Mila Kunis’s character (Jamie) they become friends, then one night after both being fed up with dating and horny as fuck. They decided to have sex and become FWBs, this goes on for a couple of weeks then Jamie catches feelings. Dylan doesn’t return these feelings in the appropriate manner, they break-up well they stop being friends. Dylan doesn’t understand why Jamie is so mad at him after all they were just FWBs, and then Dylan realizes that he has feelings for Jamie too. He does his version of the boom box in the rain/ grand gesture, they make up and go on a first date and live happily ever, the end.

People don’t try this shit at home because this has a 0.5% chance of it working in real life. I’m not for or against FWBs but I will say if this is the route you decide to go please proceed with caution. Just always keep in mind that it’s a sex thing not a love thing and those are two very different things. You don’t go into a FWB situation looking to get a boyfriend or a girlfriend out of it, or some type of earth-shattering relationship. The only thing you should be looking to get is a damn nut and maybe some good conversation and that’s at folks. You can’t go into FWB thing or just a sex thing, thinking I’m gonna pop this p***y so good for him and give him porn star level head. That he’s gonna be begging me to be his girl. Or I’m long stroke that p***y so  good and make her flood the bed like breached levees in New Orleans, that she’s need me to be her man. This is fool’s logic going on right here and it’s probably gonna give you an extended stay pass at Heart-Break Hotel. You can’t fuck your way into someone’s heart!!!! Mind yeah sure but heart, absolutely not!!  I don’t care if you think you have that Kim K or Amber Rose p***y and it’s made of glitter and gold or you think you have that Lil’Wayne ( he does have like 12 kids and he looks like a Gremlin, it must be something) or Chris Brown dick (You’ve seen the pics, right?) If that person wants to be with you, they’ll be with you point blank period. It doesn’t matter if that p***y is clean or your dick is mean. So if you go into a FWB situation thinking you’re going to come up looking like Kate Middleton and Prince William, you’re living in a fool’s paradise. You better sit back and just enjoy the ride, literally.

Now there are a few cases where the two people in the FWB situation do luck up and end up like the characters in the FWB movie but chances of that happening are minuscule. Like honestly there’s a better chance of Dr. Dre releasing Detox this year before that happens and his ass has been trying to drop Detox since College Dropout came out…. So wait on that if you want to. The chances are very low but hey never say never. So when FWB situations turn into real relationships, I believe they happen organically. One or both parties didn’t go into the situation looking for more than good back blowing sessions but somehow along the way they actually realized they liked one another outside of the bedroom. They didn’t use their bedroom skills to lure the other person into bf/gf status, the shit just happened that way. These cases do happened but are very rare.

To be very frank most of the time the person you’re in sex thing situation doesn’t even think you’re worthy of bf/gf privileges, hence why you aren’t they’re bf/gf. They’re not blind, emotional detached, or so caught up in their own shit that they can’t see a good thing in front of them…..they see what’s in front of them and all they’re there for is your sex. They may very well not like your ass like that. Did you ever think about that possibility, they just like having sex with you. You just maybe a jumpoff to them or just a friend they happen to like having sex with, end of story. You may be a very good friend to them but they just don’t see it for you as a bf/gf. Sometimes sex is just sex nothing more nothing less, so if you’re a person that can’t handle that well your ass isn’t equipped to be in a FWB situation. So you should just keep your Love Jones ass away from all types of FWB possibilities, you’re not built for that type of life and that’s okay. You know what they say everything ain’t for everybody.