Marriage, Different Strokes for Different Folks

I'll never forget witnessing an argument between one of my friends and her then boyfriend. I don't remember all the details of the fight, but I do recall him saying this, "We're not white, what I look like getting married at 23?" See, I agreed with what he said back when he said it, I still kinda of agree with it now. But that's not the point of this, the point is why is his statement accepted as the norm in the black community? Its almost a damn fact like the state capital of Georgia is Atlanta.  Most black people don't get married at young ages. See when I graduated from college at the age of 21 I knew 4 white girls that were engaged, want to know how many blacks were in this same boat? I'll tell you... 0. In fact getting married was the last thing on us young black folks minds. Some may say, "Oh black men at that age aren't studding marriage." No it was black girls too. We were worried about grad school, student loans and finding a job. Marriage? What the hell! Who's trying to get married at 21? At that age I was trying not to have to eat ramen noodles again for dinner and more concerned about getting to the bar for 50cent beers. So why was it that my white friends were concerned with wedding cakes, caterers, and seating charts?

I've been thinking about it and I've come up with a few reasons, the first is MONEY. Weddings cost money and if you don't want to have your reception  looking like Pookie's graduation cookout, its gonna cost a significant amount of it. Well a lot of my white friends parents paid for their weddings, they've been saving for that joint since Emily was born. Show of hands if your parents have been saving for your wedding? My hand is down and buried in the sand, I don't know many black folks that have saved for Keisha's wedding. A lot people can't be concerned about what's going to happen 20 years from now, they're worried about today's bills and tomorrow's creditors. You know going to the justice of the peace isn't as popular as you may think, ask the WE network it might as well be called the Wedding channel. Most people want weddings, at the least the first time around and weddings cost money and planning. Two things most 21 year old black folks don't have and aren't that willing to plan for. 

Another thing I came up with is that there's a vast difference in terms of encouragement and support of marriage itself between the races. I've found that in the white community marriage is talked about in positive terms, its just what people do. You meet a person, date them for a year or two then you marry them and have kids, its just the circle of life. You do all this for stability, you know two is better than one. Buying a house is easier to do if you're married, raising kids is easier to do with two people versus just one person. These things are seen and encouraged by white people from an early age, going through life with a partner is just deemed as the smarter choice. These things aren't always encouraged in the black community. What's encouraged goes more in this line of thinking. Get your career started first, buy your own house first, date as much as possible and sow your royal oats. Then settle down when you've done all the things you want to do, after you've partied your life away. The way of thinking between the two communities is just completely different.

See with black folks growing up, a lot kids (especially girls) would hear things from their mamas, grandmas and aunts. Like you don't need a man, men ain't ish, or don't you let no man control you. Well if you hear something long enough you'll start to believe it. A lot of the time black women take the hurt and the pain that men from their past have put them through and just transfer that same hurt and pain to their children. The cycle just continues because their children grow up with the same mistrust and bitterness towards men. Well I'm no genius but I'm pretty sure that believing in this ideology isn't the best way to build a marriage. Women are going around with artillery walls around their hearts and men got them same guns like T.I. trying to bring these walls down. It seems like people are fighting a losing and pointless battle with one another. Who has that kind of time or energy? I don't, I'm not sure about everybody else. I just think that both white and black people can learn something from one another when it comes to marriage. Marriage shouldn't be rushed but I don't think it requires one to go on a long soul-searching journey either.  You may not need to be a totally independent person either, because after all I do believe there's a little codependency that must exist in marriage.